Life goes on and blessings are abundant!

It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one, but one by their own hand is almost unbearable. With questions unanswered and no explanations as to why, the only thing I could do is rely on the Lord for guidance and strength. It could have driven me crazy trying to answer the WHY! My old self would have not stopped until I found everything out, Jeff used to tease me, "saying that I could have been a private investigator." I almost wonder if that's what he was banking on happening. My new self knew it was not going to change the outcome and God helped me let go of the desire to have all the answers.

Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.

By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.

When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.

Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.

When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.

When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!

God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.

If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11