Prior to Jeff's death our church had decided to do some mission work in the country of Belize. If you are like me I had never heard of Belize and did not know where Belize was prior to going to Israel. That's where we met Robert Thompson, he had a Christian school in Santa Elena, Belize. Shannon at church had been to Belize before and had a heart to do some mission work there. Our church got together and decided we would build a playground for his school. We had great big plans.
Over the months we started having fundraisers to raise enough money to take a trip to Belize and build a playground. This started in April and after Jeff died in June I started feeling a desire to go as a long term missionary to Belize. I'm not sure if it was me trying to run away from my problems, thinking this would help me with my grieving process, or an earnest desire to build the Kingdom of God on foreign soil. Either way God always knows what's best. We had planned to make a trip around Christmas time. This time never worked out so we ended up going in March, only a few of us though. Unfortunately, we were unable to build a playground for too many reasons to list. However, the Lord led us to a family who needed help as well. We were able to help one of the children get enough money to go Florida to see her sister and the college she was wanting to attend.
We met the Wades there and became friends with them. We also traveled to Punta Gorda which was in the far south. This trip would down the road change my life. God was already using people from the Israel trip to make a difference in where my life was heading.
The people in our lives are placed there by God. For whatever reason and sometimes we will never truly know the reasons. Just remember, He is the one who's really in control, all our planning and good intentions will never trump His plans for us if we are in His will.
If you're wondering what His will is for you today, it might not be as easy to figure out. I started with Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Life goes on and blessings are abundant!
It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one, but one by their own hand is almost unbearable. With questions unanswered and no explanations as to why, the only thing I could do is rely on the Lord for guidance and strength. It could have driven me crazy trying to answer the WHY! My old self would have not stopped until I found everything out, Jeff used to tease me, "saying that I could have been a private investigator." I almost wonder if that's what he was banking on happening. My new self knew it was not going to change the outcome and God helped me let go of the desire to have all the answers.
Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.
By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.
When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.
Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.
When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.
When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!
God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.
If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.
By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.
When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.
Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.
When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.
When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!
God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.
If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, July 26, 2010
Letting go
Have you ever thought about your funeral…….I know it’s morbid, but once someone close to you dies the reality of our short time on this earth hits closer to home. It brings thoughts to my mind such as will a lot of people come to morn my death, what kind of music will they play, what words will be spoken…..all of those things, but most importantly, will people be able to say without a doubt, “she was a good Christian woman.”
Jeff’s visitation was on Monday evening and over 500 people attended. If there was any doubt that Jeff was a loved person they were erased that evening. I remember thinking, “If only he could have seen how many people loved him.” He might have found someone to talk to and not done what he had done. Unfortunately, we never tell anyone how we really feel about them until it’s too late. We hold grudges and bad feelings for years or just tell ourselves, “We’ll get around to visiting or calling one day.”
Tuesday morning was the funeral, I was so extremely tired and I didn’t feel well. I knew I was going to speak and Satan was trying to talk me out of saying what I felt I needed to. I really wanted people to understand what type of person Jeff was a wonderful, husband, father, son, brother and friend. I also wanted people to understand that there are always options……choosing to end your life was not one of them. Life is never as bad as the enemy wants us to think it is and he really doesn’t want us to know that we can go to one that can turn it around. I spoke exactly what I needed to and felt the Lord help me to get through it without fear.
Since Jeff was not in church or religious I had my aunt deliver the message at the funeral. We talked about what she was going to say. She gave a powerful message on the importance of guarding our soul. We spend so much money and effort trying to improve the outward without ever giving much thought to our soul and where we will spend eternity. Apparently, some people heard a different message or disagreed with the message, from that point on trouble started. Even before we made it back home people were fighting.
I am so not a grudge holder; I am very much a forgiving person sometimes to the point of getting walked all over. You know what, I don’t care, grudges and bitterness only hurts the person who’s not letting go of them. I would rather be forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times seven but, until seventy times seven. “ That’s a lot, but how much more should we be forgiving when God has forgiven us for so much more.
If you’re holding a grudge or bitterness towards someone I hope you can forgive them, I promise you’re only hurting yourself. If you struggle with it pray and ask God to help you, He will! Once you are gone or they are it’s not going to make a bit of difference.
Jeff’s visitation was on Monday evening and over 500 people attended. If there was any doubt that Jeff was a loved person they were erased that evening. I remember thinking, “If only he could have seen how many people loved him.” He might have found someone to talk to and not done what he had done. Unfortunately, we never tell anyone how we really feel about them until it’s too late. We hold grudges and bad feelings for years or just tell ourselves, “We’ll get around to visiting or calling one day.”
Tuesday morning was the funeral, I was so extremely tired and I didn’t feel well. I knew I was going to speak and Satan was trying to talk me out of saying what I felt I needed to. I really wanted people to understand what type of person Jeff was a wonderful, husband, father, son, brother and friend. I also wanted people to understand that there are always options……choosing to end your life was not one of them. Life is never as bad as the enemy wants us to think it is and he really doesn’t want us to know that we can go to one that can turn it around. I spoke exactly what I needed to and felt the Lord help me to get through it without fear.
Since Jeff was not in church or religious I had my aunt deliver the message at the funeral. We talked about what she was going to say. She gave a powerful message on the importance of guarding our soul. We spend so much money and effort trying to improve the outward without ever giving much thought to our soul and where we will spend eternity. Apparently, some people heard a different message or disagreed with the message, from that point on trouble started. Even before we made it back home people were fighting.
I am so not a grudge holder; I am very much a forgiving person sometimes to the point of getting walked all over. You know what, I don’t care, grudges and bitterness only hurts the person who’s not letting go of them. I would rather be forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times seven but, until seventy times seven. “ That’s a lot, but how much more should we be forgiving when God has forgiven us for so much more.
If you’re holding a grudge or bitterness towards someone I hope you can forgive them, I promise you’re only hurting yourself. If you struggle with it pray and ask God to help you, He will! Once you are gone or they are it’s not going to make a bit of difference.
Friday, July 23, 2010
No money for a funeral
The next few days came and went, waiting to hear back from the coroner to release Jeff's body for the funeral. I had never planned a funeral before and was totally unprepared on what to select and most of all "the cost". Jeff's mom graciously went with me to the funeral home to help me get the arrangements together. She was so kind, allowing me to do whatever I wanted. I thought it was strange that the funeral director asked my permission for her to go see Jeff.......I mean come on she is his mother. I agreed and stayed by myself going through the books trying to find something that I thought Jeff would have liked. I know this might sound bad, but I was so grateful for not having to actually have "seen him" up close in the garage and I definitely did not want my last memory of him to be in the basement of a funeral home.
Now that all the arrangements were made the real quandry was how was I going to pay for it. If you remember Jeff had been on lock out from his company since March. We didn't think to purchase individual life insurance policies outside of our employers plans. Now by no means were we broke........however, something I would warn strongly against and would never do again, Jeff and I had separate accounts. None of his money was in my name and vice versa. I could not access any of his money for sometime until it went through attorneys. He had cleared out an account the week before he died and I found the money in our home but it was only a couple thousand dollars, not enough to have a funeral. So I did the unimaginable, I charged his funeral on a credit card, close to $9,000. I had no idea how I was going to pay it off, but I knew the Lord would provide somehow. Jeff's dad was kind enough to purchase the headstone and give up a plot that his family had. When it was all said and done the cost of the funeral was almost $11,000. The sad part was I didn't pick the best of things either. Now on top of everything else I had to worry bout another bill.
On Sunday before the funeral I went to church as usual. I NEEDED to be in church. It was where I found the most comfort, my church family were great. I asked my aunt if she would preach on Job. At the time I had known of the story of Job, but now I was feeling like Job. I remember the song selection was so somber that morning, I'm sure with any loss people don't really know how to react, I couldn't take it though it was just making me more depressed. I stood up in church and if I remember right, thanked them for all their support but asked them if we could sing more "happy" songs, which we did. That was my place of peace and comfort and having gone to church helped prepare me for the next days ahead, the funeral. I'm going to stop here today, because the funeral is a whole post in and of its self.
I was glad to know I had the Lord on my side and trusting in Him was all I could do at this point. Too many things were coming at me all at once without much time to react. It's good to know my father in Heaven knew all about it and helped prepare me long before.
Now that all the arrangements were made the real quandry was how was I going to pay for it. If you remember Jeff had been on lock out from his company since March. We didn't think to purchase individual life insurance policies outside of our employers plans. Now by no means were we broke........however, something I would warn strongly against and would never do again, Jeff and I had separate accounts. None of his money was in my name and vice versa. I could not access any of his money for sometime until it went through attorneys. He had cleared out an account the week before he died and I found the money in our home but it was only a couple thousand dollars, not enough to have a funeral. So I did the unimaginable, I charged his funeral on a credit card, close to $9,000. I had no idea how I was going to pay it off, but I knew the Lord would provide somehow. Jeff's dad was kind enough to purchase the headstone and give up a plot that his family had. When it was all said and done the cost of the funeral was almost $11,000. The sad part was I didn't pick the best of things either. Now on top of everything else I had to worry bout another bill.
On Sunday before the funeral I went to church as usual. I NEEDED to be in church. It was where I found the most comfort, my church family were great. I asked my aunt if she would preach on Job. At the time I had known of the story of Job, but now I was feeling like Job. I remember the song selection was so somber that morning, I'm sure with any loss people don't really know how to react, I couldn't take it though it was just making me more depressed. I stood up in church and if I remember right, thanked them for all their support but asked them if we could sing more "happy" songs, which we did. That was my place of peace and comfort and having gone to church helped prepare me for the next days ahead, the funeral. I'm going to stop here today, because the funeral is a whole post in and of its self.
I was glad to know I had the Lord on my side and trusting in Him was all I could do at this point. Too many things were coming at me all at once without much time to react. It's good to know my father in Heaven knew all about it and helped prepare me long before.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Numb
As I sat in the driveway I was numb, I could not even think to dial a number on the cell phone, the one I did dial, no one answered. After about five minutes I realized I needed to call people (thank goodness for speed dial), first the baby, he had not been picked up from daycare. I called my mom, gave a quick, "Jeff is gone, please go pick up Jairus at daycare and hung up." Then others, this is truly the one detail I specifically can't remember, I know I made a couple of calls but only a few. Within minutes my front yard was filled with people. Jeff's mother came and it was so difficult for me to tell her it wasn't an accident. A parent is not supposed to out live a child. His father couldn't stand we had to sit him down immediately, it hit him like a lead balloon. The pain felt at our home that day was truly unbearable.
Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!
I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.
As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."
That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.
He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.
Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!
I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.
As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."
That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.
He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Please wake me from this nightmare!
2006 started off great, however, if you recall the statement my aunt had said to me the day I totally surrendered to Christ, "Now your trials will come." It had been well over a year and a half and life was going pretty well. Then in March 2006 while I was in Israel my husband called me and told me that his company was on lock out.....he was out of a job. Honestly, this really didn't stress me out because he was very good with his money and I knew he would get unemployment so I didn't much worry about it. I also figured they'd be back to work in just a few months. He never really seemed to allow it to bother him either. He just had some free time he was not use to, so he spent more time riding his motorcycle, playing golf or helping get the children where they needed to be, along with teaching Montessa how to drive. So he kept pretty busy.
Then it happened, a day that is truly embedded into my brain and no matter how much I try I can't forget the very tiny details of the day and weeks before. It was Wednesday, June 21st I pulled into the driveway and was immediately annoyed, the garage door would not open. This was however not completely unusual as we had been having some issues with it over the months. I parked in the drive way and walked in to the house, I said to myself, "wait something strange is going on here." "What is that noise, that smell, where is Jeff and the baby?" I searched the house to no avail. I even tried to go into the garage but the door was locked and I couldn't get in. I called Jeff's mom and asked her if she had seen him, she told me, no. I explained to her that the Carbon Monoxide detector was going off and there was a horrible smell in the house. She told me to get off the phone and call 911, so that's what I did.
While I was on the phone with the 911 operator I realized I had a key to the side garage door, so I opened it. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "this is strange, Jeff's truck is here and running, but he's not in it." I quickly turned it off, the entire time the 911 operator screaming at me literally to get out of the garage and help was on the way. Still confused I turned to leave the garage and that's when it hit me, my whole life just stopped.....like time stopped. I saw Jeff laying on the ground on the other side of the truck. I had no way to get too him, the motorcycle was blocking my path. Within just a few seconds of me realizing this the fire department pulled up. I walked to the front of the house and they climbed over the truck and opened the garage door manually. I knew before they said it, he was gone.
My next several post are going to be difficult for me to write. Not just because of the events of the next year, but because of all the people that were affected. Jeff's death was the biggest loss I had experienced since my father died in 1998 and even that wasn't as difficult because it was expected due to his cancer. This was so unexpected and out of character for who Jeff was and the life he lived and done by his own choice. He gave no warning and no explanation, so many unanswered questions for me and his family.
When you think times can't get any worse, they can.....but grateful am I for the verse that kept me through it all. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
He can help you as well through those difficult times, knowing His strength is truly all we need to make it.
Then it happened, a day that is truly embedded into my brain and no matter how much I try I can't forget the very tiny details of the day and weeks before. It was Wednesday, June 21st I pulled into the driveway and was immediately annoyed, the garage door would not open. This was however not completely unusual as we had been having some issues with it over the months. I parked in the drive way and walked in to the house, I said to myself, "wait something strange is going on here." "What is that noise, that smell, where is Jeff and the baby?" I searched the house to no avail. I even tried to go into the garage but the door was locked and I couldn't get in. I called Jeff's mom and asked her if she had seen him, she told me, no. I explained to her that the Carbon Monoxide detector was going off and there was a horrible smell in the house. She told me to get off the phone and call 911, so that's what I did.
While I was on the phone with the 911 operator I realized I had a key to the side garage door, so I opened it. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "this is strange, Jeff's truck is here and running, but he's not in it." I quickly turned it off, the entire time the 911 operator screaming at me literally to get out of the garage and help was on the way. Still confused I turned to leave the garage and that's when it hit me, my whole life just stopped.....like time stopped. I saw Jeff laying on the ground on the other side of the truck. I had no way to get too him, the motorcycle was blocking my path. Within just a few seconds of me realizing this the fire department pulled up. I walked to the front of the house and they climbed over the truck and opened the garage door manually. I knew before they said it, he was gone.
My next several post are going to be difficult for me to write. Not just because of the events of the next year, but because of all the people that were affected. Jeff's death was the biggest loss I had experienced since my father died in 1998 and even that wasn't as difficult because it was expected due to his cancer. This was so unexpected and out of character for who Jeff was and the life he lived and done by his own choice. He gave no warning and no explanation, so many unanswered questions for me and his family.
When you think times can't get any worse, they can.....but grateful am I for the verse that kept me through it all. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
He can help you as well through those difficult times, knowing His strength is truly all we need to make it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
You can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!
As 2005 came to a close, I had seen in God's Revivalist, a publication by God's Bible School and College that they were planning a trip to Israel in February of 2006. Immediately I wanted to go, I didn't know how this would even be possible seeing as though I had no passport nor did I have the over $2000 it cost to go on the trip. I sat down one night to tell Jeff what I was thinking and his exact response was, "NO,you can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!" I was so upset because I really felt like this was a trip I needed to take. I wanted to walk where Jesus walked. I wanted to see the places I had read about in the Bible, it would make it seem more real to me. So in my normal fashion I began to pray that the Lord would work it out.
I had spoken to my Aunt Carol about it and she also wanted to go along with Ruby another lady from our church. I called the college and asked if they had any more open seats, lucky they did have a few on such short notice (prayer one answered).
Then the issue of passports, none of us had a passport and since 9/11 it was not as quick and easy to do, we were unsure if we would even get them back in time to go. So in mid January we went and applied for our passports, all the time Jeff was still saying no. You would think I would have listened and said ok, but I had a strong belief that I needed to go on this trip and if it was God's will there would be a way. We obtained our passports in mid February (prayer two answered).
Now came the money issue, Jeff would not give me the money to go because he was so against me going, so I started praying the Lord would provide the money someway. Jeff had told my mom a week before I left that, "he figured I had the money because I was planning as though I was going." She told him, "no she doesn't, she is just trusting the Lord will provide it." She also told him that, "I had more faith in my pinky finger than he had in his entire body and there should be no reason for him to worry about me dying over there." Really my mom eased his fears about me going, although he still wasn't happy about it. So a little less than a week before I left someone offered to pay my way, I thought this was very generous and highly unexpected so I agreed as long as they would allow me to pay them back when I returned (prayer three answered).
We all left for Israel without knowing exactly what to expect, but expecting to meet God there and boy did we. We went with about 45 other people, none of which any of us knew, but that was okay we were on a trip of a lifetime.
Our time in Israel was truly a blessing from God, it was a time of learning more about Him and growing closer to Him. I remember we went to a Jewish owners store on one of the days and he would answer our questions about the Jewish religion. At the end of his talk he said, "I will tell you that none of you are here by accident, it never fails, I hear from people all the time, they come to Israel thinking it would be a great trip and God always uses the trip for a purpose in each persons life." I'm sure he had seen it happen over the years of meeting people, but it was a very prophetic message for me that would come very true in many ways in my life.
I could write pages on my trip to Israel and the experience I had, but the most important was the times spent with God and learning about Him, not just the places we got to see. I would recommend anyone who wants to get closer to Christ to take a trip to the Holy Land, you will never forget it or regret it. You'll see in future post how this trip changed the very path my life was on, with people who have been in and out of my life since.
Just to show you how faithful God truly is, we returned home the first week in March and the very day I got home I had the money to repay the person who paid for me to go on the trip (prayer four answered).
My most favorite Bible verse, "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart" Psalms 37:4........God's word has never failed me yet!
I had spoken to my Aunt Carol about it and she also wanted to go along with Ruby another lady from our church. I called the college and asked if they had any more open seats, lucky they did have a few on such short notice (prayer one answered).
Then the issue of passports, none of us had a passport and since 9/11 it was not as quick and easy to do, we were unsure if we would even get them back in time to go. So in mid January we went and applied for our passports, all the time Jeff was still saying no. You would think I would have listened and said ok, but I had a strong belief that I needed to go on this trip and if it was God's will there would be a way. We obtained our passports in mid February (prayer two answered).
Now came the money issue, Jeff would not give me the money to go because he was so against me going, so I started praying the Lord would provide the money someway. Jeff had told my mom a week before I left that, "he figured I had the money because I was planning as though I was going." She told him, "no she doesn't, she is just trusting the Lord will provide it." She also told him that, "I had more faith in my pinky finger than he had in his entire body and there should be no reason for him to worry about me dying over there." Really my mom eased his fears about me going, although he still wasn't happy about it. So a little less than a week before I left someone offered to pay my way, I thought this was very generous and highly unexpected so I agreed as long as they would allow me to pay them back when I returned (prayer three answered).
We all left for Israel without knowing exactly what to expect, but expecting to meet God there and boy did we. We went with about 45 other people, none of which any of us knew, but that was okay we were on a trip of a lifetime.
Our time in Israel was truly a blessing from God, it was a time of learning more about Him and growing closer to Him. I remember we went to a Jewish owners store on one of the days and he would answer our questions about the Jewish religion. At the end of his talk he said, "I will tell you that none of you are here by accident, it never fails, I hear from people all the time, they come to Israel thinking it would be a great trip and God always uses the trip for a purpose in each persons life." I'm sure he had seen it happen over the years of meeting people, but it was a very prophetic message for me that would come very true in many ways in my life.
I could write pages on my trip to Israel and the experience I had, but the most important was the times spent with God and learning about Him, not just the places we got to see. I would recommend anyone who wants to get closer to Christ to take a trip to the Holy Land, you will never forget it or regret it. You'll see in future post how this trip changed the very path my life was on, with people who have been in and out of my life since.
Just to show you how faithful God truly is, we returned home the first week in March and the very day I got home I had the money to repay the person who paid for me to go on the trip (prayer four answered).
My most favorite Bible verse, "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart" Psalms 37:4........God's word has never failed me yet!
Friday, July 16, 2010
A year of preparation!
Have you ever had a time in your life, weeks, months or even years when you look back and can say, "Wow not much happened then." That would be how I would describe 2005 for my life. That's not necessarily a bad thing because it gave me time to get more comfortable in my skin being a Christian and draw closer to Christ. Hind sight truly is 20/20.
There were two things I specifically remember about 2005, first we got another foster child into our home. His name was Jairus and the most adorable bi-racial 15 month old in the world. He just lit our house up. We all fell in love with him immediately. I was really blessed also because I had a job and boss who appreciated the fact that we were foster parents and NEVER complained if I needed to take him somewhere and needed time off. Jairus was truly a blessing and my hopes were to get to adopt him as well. We got to know his biological family that year and became very close to them, trying to help his mom and grandmother when we could. This was a good thing for our home, it made us feel complete as a family unit.
Secondly, I remember God dealing with me on more personal convictions this year. Now before I go into this I want you to understand, I'm telling this not to try and change you but to show you how God changed me, that's why they are "my convictions". You'll probably think I'm absolutely silly with some of them and I'm not even going to tell them all, but this was my way of knowing God was speaking to me and I was on the right track with Him. Like I said in an earlier post too many times we say, "God hasn't spoken to me", but it's really we aren't listening closely enough. His word says, "Be still, and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10.
In today's world we have a difficult time turning off the TV, cell phone, computer or sitting aside the laundry, dishes, cooking and any other thing we have going on to just sit and meditate on God's word. I made sure to do this in 2005, so I started reading my Bible and my goal was to read it in a year, which I did and painstakingly during some of the Old Testament "begats". Through reading and praying I did hear God guide my life and sometimes He would ask me to give something up, like jewelry. Trust me, I wanted to make sure I was hearing God, so I searched the scriptures and found in I Timothy 2:9 this scripture, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." That was enough for me to take it off.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I also have to find something out for myself, I don't trust everything I hear behind a pulpit, and I'm surely not changing who I am or what I'm doing without doing my own research and praying about it first. I've been told, what we give up for man we will eventually take back, what we give up for God will be difficult to take back. So before you ask in your head, well her church must have required it, they didn't and it was never preached behind the pulpit. There is also nothing legalistic about what I did. I allowed God to be number one in my life and with that, whatever was pleasing to Him, was what I wanted to do. I gave up certain TV shows, movies,music, make-up (that was a really hard one, I cried for days!)and clothes along the way during this year, but looking back I know why I had too. In future post you'll understand why I needed to be as close to God as I could get.
Again, I'm not trying to be a theologian, but you also need to understand who I am as a person to understand why I made the choices I have made over the years. Otherwise, in later post you'll really think I went over the edge, but have faith I am the most sane person in the world. The thing is, I BELIEVE THE BIBLE, I can not say it any louder. I also fear God, not in a fist in the air waiting to hit me if I mess up fear, but a reverence fear that He is God almighty, creator of the universe. I'll also never tell anyone, I'm going to Heaven because I don't wear make up, that would just be silly. I'm going to Heaven because I have been obedient and want what God wants in my life more than what I want. I also make it my daily task to make myself pleasing to Him, just like Job did......trust me I fail miserably sometimes. But the good news is, He is ALWAYS willing to forgive me if I just ask.
Now for you doubters out there that think God doesn't ask much of us in these days, go read the story of the rich man in Mark chapter 10. It's not about sacrifice it's about our obedience and willingness to love him above all else. He will let us get as close to Him as we wish too, the good thing is He won't drag us along kicking and screaming.
If you already have a relationship with him, you only need to stop and listen to what He is saying.....test Him if you're unsure it's Him speaking. Trust me He will let you know, He wants you to be led into all truth, His truth, not man's. If you don't have a relationship with Him, what are you waiting for, we are never promised tomorrow and He's just waiting for you to invite Him in.
Blessings!
There were two things I specifically remember about 2005, first we got another foster child into our home. His name was Jairus and the most adorable bi-racial 15 month old in the world. He just lit our house up. We all fell in love with him immediately. I was really blessed also because I had a job and boss who appreciated the fact that we were foster parents and NEVER complained if I needed to take him somewhere and needed time off. Jairus was truly a blessing and my hopes were to get to adopt him as well. We got to know his biological family that year and became very close to them, trying to help his mom and grandmother when we could. This was a good thing for our home, it made us feel complete as a family unit.
Secondly, I remember God dealing with me on more personal convictions this year. Now before I go into this I want you to understand, I'm telling this not to try and change you but to show you how God changed me, that's why they are "my convictions". You'll probably think I'm absolutely silly with some of them and I'm not even going to tell them all, but this was my way of knowing God was speaking to me and I was on the right track with Him. Like I said in an earlier post too many times we say, "God hasn't spoken to me", but it's really we aren't listening closely enough. His word says, "Be still, and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10.
In today's world we have a difficult time turning off the TV, cell phone, computer or sitting aside the laundry, dishes, cooking and any other thing we have going on to just sit and meditate on God's word. I made sure to do this in 2005, so I started reading my Bible and my goal was to read it in a year, which I did and painstakingly during some of the Old Testament "begats". Through reading and praying I did hear God guide my life and sometimes He would ask me to give something up, like jewelry. Trust me, I wanted to make sure I was hearing God, so I searched the scriptures and found in I Timothy 2:9 this scripture, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." That was enough for me to take it off.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I also have to find something out for myself, I don't trust everything I hear behind a pulpit, and I'm surely not changing who I am or what I'm doing without doing my own research and praying about it first. I've been told, what we give up for man we will eventually take back, what we give up for God will be difficult to take back. So before you ask in your head, well her church must have required it, they didn't and it was never preached behind the pulpit. There is also nothing legalistic about what I did. I allowed God to be number one in my life and with that, whatever was pleasing to Him, was what I wanted to do. I gave up certain TV shows, movies,music, make-up (that was a really hard one, I cried for days!)and clothes along the way during this year, but looking back I know why I had too. In future post you'll understand why I needed to be as close to God as I could get.
Again, I'm not trying to be a theologian, but you also need to understand who I am as a person to understand why I made the choices I have made over the years. Otherwise, in later post you'll really think I went over the edge, but have faith I am the most sane person in the world. The thing is, I BELIEVE THE BIBLE, I can not say it any louder. I also fear God, not in a fist in the air waiting to hit me if I mess up fear, but a reverence fear that He is God almighty, creator of the universe. I'll also never tell anyone, I'm going to Heaven because I don't wear make up, that would just be silly. I'm going to Heaven because I have been obedient and want what God wants in my life more than what I want. I also make it my daily task to make myself pleasing to Him, just like Job did......trust me I fail miserably sometimes. But the good news is, He is ALWAYS willing to forgive me if I just ask.
Now for you doubters out there that think God doesn't ask much of us in these days, go read the story of the rich man in Mark chapter 10. It's not about sacrifice it's about our obedience and willingness to love him above all else. He will let us get as close to Him as we wish too, the good thing is He won't drag us along kicking and screaming.
If you already have a relationship with him, you only need to stop and listen to what He is saying.....test Him if you're unsure it's Him speaking. Trust me He will let you know, He wants you to be led into all truth, His truth, not man's. If you don't have a relationship with Him, what are you waiting for, we are never promised tomorrow and He's just waiting for you to invite Him in.
Blessings!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Till death do us part!
I would sound ungrateful if I didn't give God all the praise for how well my Christian walk had been going up to this point. I remember even standing up and testifying at church one Sunday that I felt guilty because God had been so good to me. He had answered every prayer request I had asked for, well except for one, a major one. We had decided to adopt Montessa in early November and then that's when it hit me; I did not want to raise a child in a home where her parents were not married. I knew this was a sore subject to Jeff as I had stated in an earlier post, marriage to him was just a piece of paper. I mean really he still acted as though we were married, introduced me as his wife and so on. However, I knew it still wasn't the same. I also said God hadn't really dealt with me on it either, until now. It was mid November and I remember getting this very heavy feeling about us not being married, so I started praying and I'm sure others at my church were praying as well. Jeff had also came home after seeing his father on a couple of occasions and told me his father was telling him we were living in sin. As far as I could tell he just laughed it off.
One Sunday after church, I was supposed to go to a baby shower but instead I had this overwhelming feeling to just go home. Jeff was at home and I had left Montessa at my aunts, where we usually had lunch after church. I walked in the door at home and as soon as I saw Jeff I started crying uncontrollably and I didn't even really know why. Then I heard myself say it, "I don't mean to put pressure on you but we need to get married, I don't want to raise Montessa letting her thinks it's okay to live like we are." It was strange, a statement that I hadn't spoken nor really thought about for years, we had been living together since 2000 with no issue what so ever about getting remarried, then out of my mouth this.
I thought for sure he was going to tell me to pack my bags, but he didn't! In the most calm way, he said, "well I guess you better plan a wedding, let me know when, where and what time and I'll be there." I know my mouth had to have hit the floor, how could this be. This man had wanted nothing to do with marriage, life was going good as it was in his eyes. My only explanation is that God changed Jeff's heart! I hadn't, I had not even spoken about it afraid of the outcome, but God knew his heart and He must have been speaking to Jeff.
So as a surprise to our family on the day we adopted Montessa we left the adoption and went to the courthouse and obtained our marriage license. We were married a month later at my church.
I was speaking to a friend not to long ago and she was telling me how she really wanted a baby, but her husband had said they weren't ready yet. I told her if her desire was to have children, first is there ever really a perfect time to do it and secondly, God could change her husband's heart. I told her to just pray that God would change how he felt about having children. I'm not sure if that's what she did, but I started praying that for them as well. I recently found out that they are now planning on starting a family in the very near future, her husband changed his mind =) God loves us and wants us to be happy, is there something you want for your life that God would desire for you as well? Is someone or something holding you back, pray about it and believe God can do anything because He can and see what miracles happen in your life!
One Sunday after church, I was supposed to go to a baby shower but instead I had this overwhelming feeling to just go home. Jeff was at home and I had left Montessa at my aunts, where we usually had lunch after church. I walked in the door at home and as soon as I saw Jeff I started crying uncontrollably and I didn't even really know why. Then I heard myself say it, "I don't mean to put pressure on you but we need to get married, I don't want to raise Montessa letting her thinks it's okay to live like we are." It was strange, a statement that I hadn't spoken nor really thought about for years, we had been living together since 2000 with no issue what so ever about getting remarried, then out of my mouth this.
I thought for sure he was going to tell me to pack my bags, but he didn't! In the most calm way, he said, "well I guess you better plan a wedding, let me know when, where and what time and I'll be there." I know my mouth had to have hit the floor, how could this be. This man had wanted nothing to do with marriage, life was going good as it was in his eyes. My only explanation is that God changed Jeff's heart! I hadn't, I had not even spoken about it afraid of the outcome, but God knew his heart and He must have been speaking to Jeff.
So as a surprise to our family on the day we adopted Montessa we left the adoption and went to the courthouse and obtained our marriage license. We were married a month later at my church.
I was speaking to a friend not to long ago and she was telling me how she really wanted a baby, but her husband had said they weren't ready yet. I told her if her desire was to have children, first is there ever really a perfect time to do it and secondly, God could change her husband's heart. I told her to just pray that God would change how he felt about having children. I'm not sure if that's what she did, but I started praying that for them as well. I recently found out that they are now planning on starting a family in the very near future, her husband changed his mind =) God loves us and wants us to be happy, is there something you want for your life that God would desire for you as well? Is someone or something holding you back, pray about it and believe God can do anything because He can and see what miracles happen in your life!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
If they call back, we'll say yes!
Up to this point I haven't spoken much of mine and Jeff's experience being foster parents. We started this process long before I even thought about going to church. However, I can't get to the next step without updating you on this important part of our lives.
I'm going to take a second however to get on my "soap box". I'm sure most of you have heard many a bad story about foster parents and how poorly they treat children. Well that's the problem, our society only speaks of the bad apples in a group. Our experience was nothing but loving people giving their time, homes and yes believe it or not money, to help children that were not theirs and probably never would be. I always love how people automatically assume that people foster for the money. Just so you know the money is about the cost to feed a family of 4 a day at McDonald's. Definitely NOT enough to rearrange your life at the drop of a hat for. There are not enough good people out there doing their part either. There are hundreds of children with no one, and very few homes to put them in. (OK, off my soap box now)
So sometime in 2002, Jeff and I had decided to become foster parents. We had no children of our own and had no intention of having any, (don't judge). That was truly the one thing we both agreed upon, neither of us wanted to have children. We both wanted to help the children already in the world who had no one. So we went through the hours of training, home studies, background checks, interviews and all that goes along with the process. We were finally approved almost a year later.
We only wanted young children, we had heard horror stories about the teenagers. We didn't care about anything else, but our age limit was around seven years old and younger. We received our first child in the summer of 2004, Tyler, he was with us for a while and we both got very attached. Jeff was devastated when he left to go live with his mother, he said, "this is too difficult, I don't want to do this anymore."
Then about a week later we returned home from being out and had a message on the answering machine it said, "we have a 13 year old girl who needs a home for a while until we can find a permanent placement." Jeff said, "delete it, no way." I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes and a thought came too me, if they call back tomorrow then we should take her, that means they couldn't find anyone. The chances of that were slim and I thought he would go for it. I asked him if that was okay and he said, "yes." The next afternoon he called me at work and told me to call them they had called back. That Friday night in August we picked Montessa up, she was only going to try it out for the weekend. See if she fit in to our home, she was beautiful and funny and I must say she talked a lot. We loved having her around, and needless to say she never left.
After much prayer and Godly counsel, November 30, 2004, I adopted Montessa. You might be wondering why I said I, well because Jeff and I weren't married and legally we had to be for us both to adopt her, so technically I was her only legal parent. Jeff however always called her his daughter and loved her as if she was always his. Our little family was coming together slowly but surely. I wrote in my scrapbook about the adoption, "Montessa was the child either we chose or God gave us, either way we were blessed. The joy a child should bring came from one who I did not bear." She is, aside from my salvation, the best thing that ever happened to me.
Is God asking you to help someone? I have found the best way to forget about my own problems is to focus on somebody else. If there's something you want to do to help someone pray about it, God will show you exactly how to do it.
I'm going to take a second however to get on my "soap box". I'm sure most of you have heard many a bad story about foster parents and how poorly they treat children. Well that's the problem, our society only speaks of the bad apples in a group. Our experience was nothing but loving people giving their time, homes and yes believe it or not money, to help children that were not theirs and probably never would be. I always love how people automatically assume that people foster for the money. Just so you know the money is about the cost to feed a family of 4 a day at McDonald's. Definitely NOT enough to rearrange your life at the drop of a hat for. There are not enough good people out there doing their part either. There are hundreds of children with no one, and very few homes to put them in. (OK, off my soap box now)
So sometime in 2002, Jeff and I had decided to become foster parents. We had no children of our own and had no intention of having any, (don't judge). That was truly the one thing we both agreed upon, neither of us wanted to have children. We both wanted to help the children already in the world who had no one. So we went through the hours of training, home studies, background checks, interviews and all that goes along with the process. We were finally approved almost a year later.
We only wanted young children, we had heard horror stories about the teenagers. We didn't care about anything else, but our age limit was around seven years old and younger. We received our first child in the summer of 2004, Tyler, he was with us for a while and we both got very attached. Jeff was devastated when he left to go live with his mother, he said, "this is too difficult, I don't want to do this anymore."
Then about a week later we returned home from being out and had a message on the answering machine it said, "we have a 13 year old girl who needs a home for a while until we can find a permanent placement." Jeff said, "delete it, no way." I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes and a thought came too me, if they call back tomorrow then we should take her, that means they couldn't find anyone. The chances of that were slim and I thought he would go for it. I asked him if that was okay and he said, "yes." The next afternoon he called me at work and told me to call them they had called back. That Friday night in August we picked Montessa up, she was only going to try it out for the weekend. See if she fit in to our home, she was beautiful and funny and I must say she talked a lot. We loved having her around, and needless to say she never left.
After much prayer and Godly counsel, November 30, 2004, I adopted Montessa. You might be wondering why I said I, well because Jeff and I weren't married and legally we had to be for us both to adopt her, so technically I was her only legal parent. Jeff however always called her his daughter and loved her as if she was always his. Our little family was coming together slowly but surely. I wrote in my scrapbook about the adoption, "Montessa was the child either we chose or God gave us, either way we were blessed. The joy a child should bring came from one who I did not bear." She is, aside from my salvation, the best thing that ever happened to me.
Is God asking you to help someone? I have found the best way to forget about my own problems is to focus on somebody else. If there's something you want to do to help someone pray about it, God will show you exactly how to do it.
Monday, July 12, 2010
What is that?
I'm not going to attempt to be a theologian in this post, however, I need to explain the next major event in my Christian experience with a little Bible story. I'm sure many of you have heard the story of Job, "And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?" Job 1:8. Have you ever really thought about Job and his life, I mean this man had it all, money, home, family that loved him, a huge farm (at least what we would think of today). He was set, living the life and living a good life serving the Lord. No this is Old Testament so Jesus hadn't come upon the scene yet, sins had to be forgiven via sacrafices, which I'm sure Job did whenever they were needed. Job was so good that God actually brought him up to Satan, you see Satan thought Job was only serving God because He had blessed him so much, little did he know that was NOT why Job was serving the one true God. Job was serving God because he loved him and wanted to be pleasing to God, that's why God said he was upright, perfect, feared Him and escheweth evil. God knew Job's heart and exactly why he was serving him, Satan however didn't. In case you don't know the story, Job lost it all, children, farm, got sick, Satan could do whatever he wanted to Job short of killing him and he did.
Job had what we call today surrendered everything to God, his life, family, home, job, finances, health all of it none of it was his and he knew it. Even after God took it all away Job NEVER turned his back on God, which was what Satan thought he would do.
I said all that to say this, I had been traveling for work and for some reason that week was when God had started really dealing with me on giving Him everything in my life. He just didn't want me on Sundays, He wanted me 24/7. Not only me, but everything I loved and cared about, oh he wanted that too.
I remember being out to dinner with some of my co-workers from California and questioning whether I should pray over my meal in front of them. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but really it was I who felt uncomfortable. It seems funny today to have struggled over something such as thanking the Lord for my food in front of others, but at that time it was a issue for me.
After I returned home from my trip I remember driving to church on Sunday morning and all the way there the Lord speaking to me, I want it all. If your ashamed to pray in front of others I don't have it all and I want it all. By the time I made it to the church doors I knew what I had to do. You see, I could have just as easily brushed it off and said oh Lord you have it all, I just didn't want to offend anyone with my public prayer. I knew that He didn't have it all and if I wanted to go any further, I was going to have to make that choice that morning and give it to Him. Before Aunt Carol gave an invitation to the altar after she finished her sermon that morning, I was already there. It wouldn't have matter what was happening that morning I knew I had to totally surrender my life and everything about it to God and trust He was going to take care of me.
I got up from the altar and Aunt Carol knew exactly what I had been there for and her words were so profound and scary at the same time, she said, "Now is when your trials will come." I didn't really understand it at the time, but completely understand it today. I hope through my next few posts you'll understand also what it means to totally surrender your life to Christ, mean it with your whole being and watch Him work in your life like I have.
A thought for today, are you ashamed of Him? Are you trying not to offend others and not truly serving Christ the way you should be because of it? If so, you need to pray the Lord help you to surrender it all to Him, because let's face it, it's all His anyway.
If you want to know how the story ended, I suggest you read the book of Job, God is always faithful to His Children.
Job had what we call today surrendered everything to God, his life, family, home, job, finances, health all of it none of it was his and he knew it. Even after God took it all away Job NEVER turned his back on God, which was what Satan thought he would do.
I said all that to say this, I had been traveling for work and for some reason that week was when God had started really dealing with me on giving Him everything in my life. He just didn't want me on Sundays, He wanted me 24/7. Not only me, but everything I loved and cared about, oh he wanted that too.
I remember being out to dinner with some of my co-workers from California and questioning whether I should pray over my meal in front of them. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but really it was I who felt uncomfortable. It seems funny today to have struggled over something such as thanking the Lord for my food in front of others, but at that time it was a issue for me.
After I returned home from my trip I remember driving to church on Sunday morning and all the way there the Lord speaking to me, I want it all. If your ashamed to pray in front of others I don't have it all and I want it all. By the time I made it to the church doors I knew what I had to do. You see, I could have just as easily brushed it off and said oh Lord you have it all, I just didn't want to offend anyone with my public prayer. I knew that He didn't have it all and if I wanted to go any further, I was going to have to make that choice that morning and give it to Him. Before Aunt Carol gave an invitation to the altar after she finished her sermon that morning, I was already there. It wouldn't have matter what was happening that morning I knew I had to totally surrender my life and everything about it to God and trust He was going to take care of me.
I got up from the altar and Aunt Carol knew exactly what I had been there for and her words were so profound and scary at the same time, she said, "Now is when your trials will come." I didn't really understand it at the time, but completely understand it today. I hope through my next few posts you'll understand also what it means to totally surrender your life to Christ, mean it with your whole being and watch Him work in your life like I have.
A thought for today, are you ashamed of Him? Are you trying not to offend others and not truly serving Christ the way you should be because of it? If so, you need to pray the Lord help you to surrender it all to Him, because let's face it, it's all His anyway.
If you want to know how the story ended, I suggest you read the book of Job, God is always faithful to His Children.
Friday, July 9, 2010
You want me to do what?
By August I had become a permanent fixture at church, soaking up as much as I could and also trying to read my Bible. God had even dealt with me on some issues in my life and I started making decisions to draw as close to Him as I could. Doing everything He asked me to do wasn't always difficult, so I admit there were some things easy to give up. It seemed like my foul mouth cleaned up pretty quickly, obviously I didn't know much but I knew enough that a Christian shouldn't be out their cussing like a sailor. There is nothing about it that would glorify God. Also, drinking alcohol was pretty simple, I was mainly a social drinker anyways so no love lost when I decided to put my wine glass down for good. No need to remind me I was still living with a man I was not currently married too but for some reason that wasn't what God dealt with me on right away. Trust me though if there is sin in your life, He will deal with you on it eventually.
So come August I was sitting in church and on a Sunday morning after service my Aunt Carol (my pastor) came to me and said, "You need to think about getting baptized." I must have had a look of anger, fear or just downright "yea right" on my face because she pretty quickly dropped the subject. Funny, I gave up little things along the way and the one thing that was essential I immediately said no too. I'm not even sure to this day why, I just remember thinking, really, haven't I already done enough? The funny thing was I was not the only one going threw the same thing, my friend Traci had also gotten recently saved at another church and her pastor had said the same thing to her. Just like me she had a very similar thought. We had meet for breakfast one morning and the subject came up, it was almost ironic how similar our stories were. God kinda used us to talk each other into it. We both agreed however if we were going to get baptized and make that kind of statement we were gonna do it just like Jesus did, in the creek (ok Jesus did it in the Jordan River), but I really wasn't feeling the Ohio River and couldn't afford to fly off to Israel (that would come later), I was feeling more like Four Mile Creek was more my speed. On September 12th, 2004, I made my proclamation to the world that I was and was going to continue to serve Christ along side my friend Traci and two others.
God is always speaking to us,it's a matter of if we are listening and want to hear what He is saying. Sometimes it might seem easier to put our hands over our ears and hum so we can't hear Him. He is a gracious God, He will never force us to do something, and no different than children being obedient to their parents just because they love them, how much more should we want to be obedient to an almighty God who wants and gives the very best to us.
Do you have your hands over your ears humming loudly today, trying to keep God from speaking to you? Before long He might just quit, is that the better option, I hope that's not what you think because I want to always listen to Him and try to live the way He wants me to live.
So come August I was sitting in church and on a Sunday morning after service my Aunt Carol (my pastor) came to me and said, "You need to think about getting baptized." I must have had a look of anger, fear or just downright "yea right" on my face because she pretty quickly dropped the subject. Funny, I gave up little things along the way and the one thing that was essential I immediately said no too. I'm not even sure to this day why, I just remember thinking, really, haven't I already done enough? The funny thing was I was not the only one going threw the same thing, my friend Traci had also gotten recently saved at another church and her pastor had said the same thing to her. Just like me she had a very similar thought. We had meet for breakfast one morning and the subject came up, it was almost ironic how similar our stories were. God kinda used us to talk each other into it. We both agreed however if we were going to get baptized and make that kind of statement we were gonna do it just like Jesus did, in the creek (ok Jesus did it in the Jordan River), but I really wasn't feeling the Ohio River and couldn't afford to fly off to Israel (that would come later), I was feeling more like Four Mile Creek was more my speed. On September 12th, 2004, I made my proclamation to the world that I was and was going to continue to serve Christ along side my friend Traci and two others.
God is always speaking to us,it's a matter of if we are listening and want to hear what He is saying. Sometimes it might seem easier to put our hands over our ears and hum so we can't hear Him. He is a gracious God, He will never force us to do something, and no different than children being obedient to their parents just because they love them, how much more should we want to be obedient to an almighty God who wants and gives the very best to us.
Do you have your hands over your ears humming loudly today, trying to keep God from speaking to you? Before long He might just quit, is that the better option, I hope that's not what you think because I want to always listen to Him and try to live the way He wants me to live.
Hmmm, this prayer thing really does work
So life was once again going well, I was now following Christ, attending church regularly, we had a wonderful foster daughter we were taking care of, all was well in my world, well maybe all but one small thing.
I was employed at that time by a mortgage lender as an underwriter, an industry I had been use to for well over 10 years by then. The people were great and it was a really good company to work for. Times were booming in the mortgage industry in 2004. I had good people around me. However, the times also called for doing things and making some decisions I didn't always feel comfortable doing. Along with that I had a difficult time dealing with all the foul language. Funny to me then and even now because let's face it, I had been in the military for six years. I had heard and said every bad word there was. Now it was different, I would literally cringe when I would hear someone cuss. I needed the job so I just couldn't quit because of other people's language so it dawned on me that I could pray for another job. Novel idea huh, Lord I know I'm blessed to have this great paying job with good friends around me, but yeah well it's just not cutting it. I didn't think it was what he wanted me to be doing, so that did it I prayed, the only thing that I knew to do. Now mind you, I prayed, but I didn't go out and start searching for jobs, what was I thinking???
No need to search, within a couple months the Lord answered my prayer, not in the way I thought he would, but exactly in the way He saw fit. (It's a good thing He is all knowing because His answer was a true God send down the road).
I stayed with the same company, however they moved me to another department, a department with a Christian manager none the less. Michele is an amazing woman who I learned so much from and will always be truly grateful too. (You'll know why later). New department and a new position, to be exact a position they actually created so that I could come over. That was the best move I could have ever made, yes it was a pay cut, but it was never about the money, it was about living and working in an atmosphere that God would want me in.
So what are you praying for, is it for a job, home, spouse, child, health, or finances, whatever the case remember God sees the big picture, give it to Him and leave it with Him and He will be sure to work it out exactly the way it needs to be.
I was employed at that time by a mortgage lender as an underwriter, an industry I had been use to for well over 10 years by then. The people were great and it was a really good company to work for. Times were booming in the mortgage industry in 2004. I had good people around me. However, the times also called for doing things and making some decisions I didn't always feel comfortable doing. Along with that I had a difficult time dealing with all the foul language. Funny to me then and even now because let's face it, I had been in the military for six years. I had heard and said every bad word there was. Now it was different, I would literally cringe when I would hear someone cuss. I needed the job so I just couldn't quit because of other people's language so it dawned on me that I could pray for another job. Novel idea huh, Lord I know I'm blessed to have this great paying job with good friends around me, but yeah well it's just not cutting it. I didn't think it was what he wanted me to be doing, so that did it I prayed, the only thing that I knew to do. Now mind you, I prayed, but I didn't go out and start searching for jobs, what was I thinking???
No need to search, within a couple months the Lord answered my prayer, not in the way I thought he would, but exactly in the way He saw fit. (It's a good thing He is all knowing because His answer was a true God send down the road).
I stayed with the same company, however they moved me to another department, a department with a Christian manager none the less. Michele is an amazing woman who I learned so much from and will always be truly grateful too. (You'll know why later). New department and a new position, to be exact a position they actually created so that I could come over. That was the best move I could have ever made, yes it was a pay cut, but it was never about the money, it was about living and working in an atmosphere that God would want me in.
So what are you praying for, is it for a job, home, spouse, child, health, or finances, whatever the case remember God sees the big picture, give it to Him and leave it with Him and He will be sure to work it out exactly the way it needs to be.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The fear of the unknown
So to answer my question, where I left you hanging on to the edge of your seats. What did Jeff think? Well it took me two and a half weeks to actually tell him. Trust me I thought of the scripture found in Luke 9:26 "For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his Father's, and of the holy angels" many times. It wasn't that I was ashamed though, it was all those thoughts Satan puts in our head. You're not going have any friends. Your life is going to be boring and the worst for me, Jeff is going to leave you! For me that was the worst possible thing that could have happened, remember my life was good, cushy and running just fine the way it was going.
Well, eventually one evening I decided I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I had already stood at church and testified to my salvation and to my family. If I was going to continue my walk I had to tell him and accept whatever the consequences would be. So I expected the worst and hoped for the best. All my worrying was for not, either he figured, "no biggie" it was just a phase or he really didn't mind. He was so kind and told me whatever I needed to do when it came to my faith, do it! His one stipulation however was don't ask him to join me.
So there it was, I was free to be me in my Christianity and he had no intentions of leaving me because of it. God took care of my first prayer request and little did I know at the time, He was going to take care of many more in the years to come.
So my question this post is, What's holding you back, the things the enemy is telling you might happen is going to happen, like I suggested? Better yet, is it the loved one you're afraid is going to walk away from you? God is bigger than anything we can imagine and when we take our fears and worries to him, He WILL take care of them.
Well, eventually one evening I decided I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I had already stood at church and testified to my salvation and to my family. If I was going to continue my walk I had to tell him and accept whatever the consequences would be. So I expected the worst and hoped for the best. All my worrying was for not, either he figured, "no biggie" it was just a phase or he really didn't mind. He was so kind and told me whatever I needed to do when it came to my faith, do it! His one stipulation however was don't ask him to join me.
So there it was, I was free to be me in my Christianity and he had no intentions of leaving me because of it. God took care of my first prayer request and little did I know at the time, He was going to take care of many more in the years to come.
So my question this post is, What's holding you back, the things the enemy is telling you might happen is going to happen, like I suggested? Better yet, is it the loved one you're afraid is going to walk away from you? God is bigger than anything we can imagine and when we take our fears and worries to him, He WILL take care of them.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I digress
I was thinking about my life before I came to know Christ. We all have a childhood full of experiences, some good, bad and indifferent. Those experiences help to shape us and make us who we are today. While the good ones are always fun to remember the bad ones are what shape us and help us learn about ourselves.
Growing up my parents divorced each other 2 times and remarried 3 times. This you could see would make it very confusing on a child to figure out the whole marriage thing, as a result I too, married Jeff, divorced Jeff and later remarried Jeff. (That's a story all in itself and a miracle of God) It's funny how we sometimes follow our parents footsteps without much of an effort. Through the many times my parents were separated we went through dealing with alcoholism (my father was an alcoholic until I was around the age of 11). He went to rehab for 30 days and sobered up and from that point on never touched the stuff again. Praise the Lord!!!
My mom was a single mother trying to raise 3 children on a small salary and sometimes child support. Needless to say we didn't always get everything we asked for because even food was sometimes scarce. The joke with my brother and I is, "mom can make a pot of chili last for a week, all she has to do is add water." We actually remember eating chili for a week and by the end of the week, it being very thin. Mom did the best she could with what she had and she was a good mom. She loved us very much and always wants the best for us.
I also dealt with abuse growing up (this was not by someone in our family). Another challenge to deal with and it took many years for me to "figure" it all out. Ah, but with God's help it became easy to forgive and honestly forget.
By seventh grade my parents remarried for the last time, my dad was sober and acted like a father. He made the extra effort to make up for those lost years with his children. High school and college came and went, and I did my fair share of partying and not behaving the way I should, I have many friends who could attest to that. I joined the Air Force National Guard and served for six years. It took time, but I eventually learned how to deal with things in my childhood. Am I saying I always made good and wise choices, absolutely not, anything but, however, I always kept in the back of my mind my dad's alcoholism or the friends I remember doing drugs and it kept me from getting caught up in that kinda of life.
I got married in December of 1997 to Jeff and my father passed away of Cancer in June of 1998. A lot to deal with in a short period of time and in August of 1998 Jeff and I separated (worse decision of my life). We didn't even try and I didn't even care, life was to stressful and I didn't want to deal with being in a marriage I wasn't happy with. It was both our faults, so no blame being cast here. We both needed to grow up! The next few years kinda just went on without much thought. In July 2000, Jeff and I reunited, although by this time, he was NOT interested in getting remarried. His belief was it was just a piece of paper and what caused us to be miserable. Obviously, that was not the truth, but I accepted it and we moved on with our lives living together (another bad choice on my part, but never the less it happened).
This brings us back to when I found Christ and my life experiences from that point on. My wish is never to want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me, because I don't feel sorry or pity myself. Everything happens for a reason, all my bad choices led to consequences. They also helped shape me into the person I am today.
It seems it's common to hear the excuse, well I did this or that because of something that happened to us. It's true our decisions do come from things that happen to us, but they don't have to define us as a person. We need to remember it's always our choice to do the right thing or the wrong.
Are you letting things in your past define you and or are you letting Christ?
Growing up my parents divorced each other 2 times and remarried 3 times. This you could see would make it very confusing on a child to figure out the whole marriage thing, as a result I too, married Jeff, divorced Jeff and later remarried Jeff. (That's a story all in itself and a miracle of God) It's funny how we sometimes follow our parents footsteps without much of an effort. Through the many times my parents were separated we went through dealing with alcoholism (my father was an alcoholic until I was around the age of 11). He went to rehab for 30 days and sobered up and from that point on never touched the stuff again. Praise the Lord!!!
My mom was a single mother trying to raise 3 children on a small salary and sometimes child support. Needless to say we didn't always get everything we asked for because even food was sometimes scarce. The joke with my brother and I is, "mom can make a pot of chili last for a week, all she has to do is add water." We actually remember eating chili for a week and by the end of the week, it being very thin. Mom did the best she could with what she had and she was a good mom. She loved us very much and always wants the best for us.
I also dealt with abuse growing up (this was not by someone in our family). Another challenge to deal with and it took many years for me to "figure" it all out. Ah, but with God's help it became easy to forgive and honestly forget.
By seventh grade my parents remarried for the last time, my dad was sober and acted like a father. He made the extra effort to make up for those lost years with his children. High school and college came and went, and I did my fair share of partying and not behaving the way I should, I have many friends who could attest to that. I joined the Air Force National Guard and served for six years. It took time, but I eventually learned how to deal with things in my childhood. Am I saying I always made good and wise choices, absolutely not, anything but, however, I always kept in the back of my mind my dad's alcoholism or the friends I remember doing drugs and it kept me from getting caught up in that kinda of life.
I got married in December of 1997 to Jeff and my father passed away of Cancer in June of 1998. A lot to deal with in a short period of time and in August of 1998 Jeff and I separated (worse decision of my life). We didn't even try and I didn't even care, life was to stressful and I didn't want to deal with being in a marriage I wasn't happy with. It was both our faults, so no blame being cast here. We both needed to grow up! The next few years kinda just went on without much thought. In July 2000, Jeff and I reunited, although by this time, he was NOT interested in getting remarried. His belief was it was just a piece of paper and what caused us to be miserable. Obviously, that was not the truth, but I accepted it and we moved on with our lives living together (another bad choice on my part, but never the less it happened).
This brings us back to when I found Christ and my life experiences from that point on. My wish is never to want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me, because I don't feel sorry or pity myself. Everything happens for a reason, all my bad choices led to consequences. They also helped shape me into the person I am today.
It seems it's common to hear the excuse, well I did this or that because of something that happened to us. It's true our decisions do come from things that happen to us, but they don't have to define us as a person. We need to remember it's always our choice to do the right thing or the wrong.
Are you letting things in your past define you and or are you letting Christ?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
In the beginning!
Every event has a time and place, I can't talk about my Christian experience without first telling you how, when and where I gave my life to Christ. Many people seek Christ, I am no different, oh my life wasn't in shambles, I had no addictions to deal with and to be honest, I was living the American Dream. I was with a man who loved me (my ex-husband Jeff) and provided a nice home, we both had good paying jobs, all the "toys" an adult could want and we were even contributing to our community. You see, about six months before I started feeling like I needed to find a church we became foster parents. We had taken in a couple children and it was a great feeling to know we were helping others. So for me seeking Christ was not out of a need of desperation in the sense that life was going horrible or I had hit rock bottom, it was out of a need for some real peace in my life. Don't be fooled, I was not a newbie, I had been in church growing up and knew what it meant to be a Christian so I wasn't starting fresh figuring all this stuff out. However, when I finally put my mind too it, God helped me "figure it out".
Easter 2004, my mom had asked me to go to church with her, for a number of reasons I told her I wouldn't go to the church my uncle preached at, but my aunt had just recently lost her husband who was the pastor of their church and she was now preaching, so I said I would try my aunt's church. I loaded up my foster daughter (Montessa) and off we went. I found I really enjoyed being in church, I had tried a couple different ones up to this point, however none ever seemed to fit. I wasn't even sure what I was looking for, this one fit. It was small and we sang a lot and I really enjoyed my aunt's preaching. Some might find that odd because she was truly a "warning" preacher or better known from the old days a hellfire and brimstone preacher. For some reason that was exactly the right type of preaching I needed and the Lord knew it.....even then He was faithful.
I went back the following week and continued to go taking Montessa with me. Jeff was not attending and I didn't push the issue, he had grown up looking at Christians in a different light. For about a month I sought out Christ and what He wanted from me, but I didn't do anything about it until May 14, 2004. It was a Friday night and I was home by myself, I was reading the first book in the Left Behind series. After about half way through the book I realized I was not the person God wanted me to be. I needed to ask Him to forgive me of my sins and continue to walk in His ways. That is exactly what I did in my living room knelt by a chair. It was so exciting and scary all at the same time. Immediately I thought what would Jeff think????
I wonder if the problem with people today is they are just too comfortable and they don't feel like they need God?
Easter 2004, my mom had asked me to go to church with her, for a number of reasons I told her I wouldn't go to the church my uncle preached at, but my aunt had just recently lost her husband who was the pastor of their church and she was now preaching, so I said I would try my aunt's church. I loaded up my foster daughter (Montessa) and off we went. I found I really enjoyed being in church, I had tried a couple different ones up to this point, however none ever seemed to fit. I wasn't even sure what I was looking for, this one fit. It was small and we sang a lot and I really enjoyed my aunt's preaching. Some might find that odd because she was truly a "warning" preacher or better known from the old days a hellfire and brimstone preacher. For some reason that was exactly the right type of preaching I needed and the Lord knew it.....even then He was faithful.
I went back the following week and continued to go taking Montessa with me. Jeff was not attending and I didn't push the issue, he had grown up looking at Christians in a different light. For about a month I sought out Christ and what He wanted from me, but I didn't do anything about it until May 14, 2004. It was a Friday night and I was home by myself, I was reading the first book in the Left Behind series. After about half way through the book I realized I was not the person God wanted me to be. I needed to ask Him to forgive me of my sins and continue to walk in His ways. That is exactly what I did in my living room knelt by a chair. It was so exciting and scary all at the same time. Immediately I thought what would Jeff think????
I wonder if the problem with people today is they are just too comfortable and they don't feel like they need God?
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