Christmas Joy!

I have to admit when I think of the Christmas season the very first thing that comes to mind is not, Oh what an amazing thing to celebrate the birth of Christ. Unfortunately, it's wow I have a lot of gifts to buy and a little money to buy them with. I know it's bad that I would even admit that. Once the season starts getting into full swing I do take the time to think of why it is we celebrate Christmas.

The gifts, family time, snow, cold weather, trees, candy canes and all the programs and plays and music is enough to overwhelm someone at Christmas time. I heard recently that this is the time of the year when most suicides occur. People are sad that family doesn't come around or they don't have the money to give gifts. If we could only find our Christmas joy in what is the real purpose for Christmas. Christ coming from His home in heaven to a lowly stable to live and then die for you and me.

It seems that the latest gadget or toy is what we have reduced our Christmas joy too. I saw a news story about Atheist trying to stop people from displaying nativity scenes in public, I wonder why? How is it that a story that some people find far fetched and unbelievable has stuck around for over 2000 years. If they really believe it's just "a story", then what does it matter that people are celebrating the "story". I don't see anyone trying to ban Santa Clause or Rudolph.

It appears that in the more recent years Satan is working harder to "steal" our joy of Christmas. He's given us all the "fun" things to do that we have really forgotten the joy we should get out of the season. If you're more worried about not getting the gift you asked for or not finding that perfect gift for someone else, take a step back, spend some time with the Lord and ask Him to give you your real Christmas joy back. The material things will become less of a burden and whether you get the gift you want or give the one you wanted to give it won't matter in the least.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and New Year full of Blessings!!!!

Worthy?

One of my favorite songs, "I Want To Be Found Worthy" was sung at church this past Sunday and it has stayed on my mind all week. "Worthy" what really does that mean, I looked the word up on the dictionary, this is what I found, "having adequate or great merit, character, or value". When I think of my Christian walk there have been many times over the last 6 years I have NOT been those things. Not that I'm proud of it, but if I'm going to be honest I fail sometimes to do what God would want me to do. I then go on to beat myself up because I know I failed . Then one day it hit me, I'm not worthy, I'll never truly be worthy of all that God has given me or the eternity I will spend with Him. There will be days that I fail, not that I set out in the mornings to do so, but sometimes it just happens. Those days are when His grace and mercy are what I need the most. Those are also the days I tend to lean on Him more and grow closer to Him.

Life is full of lessons and unfortunately most lessons are learned through disappointments, troubled times, trials or just plain bad decisions. Our failures don't have to keep us down but help us to get up, shake it off and keep moving forward. You ever wonder why the Armor of God doesn't have anything covering the back, it's because we aren't supposed to turn around! We are supposed to keep our eyes on Him, even when we know we have hurt Him. The throwing our hands in the air and giving up are the true failures. Those are the times when we are putting our faith in ourselves and our own strength when we should be putting it in God's hands. Hebrews 13:5 says, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." If He won't give up on us, we should not give up on Him. He is the only one who can make us worthy, without Him we will never be.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I hope we can all remember all our blessings and be thankful for all we have!

Count your blessings!

It's very easy to have a pity party for yourself. I mean come on you can probably even get a couple of your closest friends to join in and help you out. I was thinking the other day how much I can sometimes forget all the blessing's God has given me. Not only the financial ones but the life lessons that I learn from and that help me to grow as a Christian and in my faith.

For the past weeks I have been taking a virtual mission trip to India with my 5th and 6th graders during Bible class. A young man named Chris is there now and sending videos back of what he is experiencing and seeing. It's absolutely amazing to me how much my students are getting out of this trip. I'm trying to teach them about being kind and not to take the things we have in America for granted.

When I start to think of all the things God has blessed me with it makes it very easy to forget about all that I'm still waiting on. If you start feeling sorry for yourself do this project, write down 10 things you have been blessed with, guaranteed you'll come up with more than you even imagined. Just the freedoms we have in this country are a big blessing.

A scripture comes to mind when I think about blessings. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. --Psalm 100:4

Joy!

Joy, a three letter word that seems to turn our life upside down at times. It's difficult to describe it but we know when we don't have it in our lives.

1 Peter 1:8 says, "You have not seen Christ, but still you love him. You cannot see him now, but you believe in him. So you are filled with a joy that cannot be explained, a joy full of glory." This tells me that my joy should come from Christ alone.

How many times have you been having a great day and low and behold someone comes along and just brings you down, just from a few words. You have been robbed of your joy.....people will always disappoint us no matter how much they love us and care for us, we are not perfect and we make mistakes. So placing your "joy" or happiness in the hands of another is a dangerous thing to do. You must find it on your own through Christ and trust Him to help you keep it.

I'm not saying we shouldn't be joyful when good things happen to us, but we should not allow the disappointing things to rob us from our joy. Satan's job is to steal our joy, make us think it's too difficult to be a Christian or just boring. When joy comes from a relationship with Christ then you know you have the joy the Bible speaks about.

Are you joyful in the Lord or joyful in your current circumstance, guaranteed your current circumstance will eventually change and that joy you're holding on to will be gone. The joy of serving Christ however doesn't leave even during the difficult times when you are truly committed to Him.

Gripped by fear

Have you ever been so afraid of something that you don't feel like you can move forward or backward? Your life comes to a stand still. You know you can't go back, however the fear of moving forward is just as difficult to deal with. Life can bring us all types of fears, dying, loving, living, following Christ like we know we should. I have experienced fear in a few of these ways and then a scripture was brought to my mind, as a matter of fact it was so gripping that I wrote it down and stuck it to my mirror. I read it each morning.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 Our fear is our own, it is not produced by God it's produced by Satan. If he can get us to fear it will lead to doubt. Maybe I can't do this or I don't deserve that. Maybe I don't have the abilities to accomplish what I want to accomplish. FEAR is of SATAN! We must learn to turn that fear into faith in Christ.

Recently I had a conversation with someone regarding something I just realized I was a little fearful of.....moving on in my personal life. With all that I've been through the thought of losing one more person or something not working out, made me fear even trying. I took it to prayer and asked the person to pray for me about it too. The very next day I didn't fear it anymore, I decided God's will, will be done whether I fear something or not and He doesn't want me to be fearful. So leaving it in His hands and trusting Him is always the best way to defeat satan and fear.....turn to your faith!!

I'll leave you with a funny story about my fear. I desperately fear mice, that's right I said it, mice....I know they are more afraid of me than I am of them. Whatever! I despise them and I don't want to be around them ever!!! A couple of years ago while living with my mother I was in her basement doing laundry. My aunt who also lived in the house came to the middle of the stairs and so politely and calmly informed me that there was a mouse on a "humane sticky trap" under the stairs. Needless to say, I froze, literally. I could not move, I tried and I couldn't move. I was trapped had no place to go and I just knew that mouse was going to get off that trap and run right up my leg. What to do now? So my aunt, who by this time realized it was maybe not such a good idea to inform me of the situation once again in her calm voice told me to jump the bottom stair to get back to the first floor. Logically this made sense, the fear in me said no way that would mean I have to jump over the live mouse! On the count of three, her count, I ran jumped a couple steps and proceeded to plow my aunt down on the stairs trying to get away from the mouse. I made it to safety and within a hour the mouse had pried its way off the sticky trap and hid somewhere in the house.....my fear rose until it was caught!

Now before you judge me think about your own fears, I agree being afraid of a little mouse is a little silly. Is it any more silly than being afraid of a spider, snake, rat or getting a new job or serving Christ? It's still a fear and exactly what God tells us not to do. In our fear we are saying Lord I don't trust you to take care of me and that's what He wants us to do, Trust Him!

God's creation

I was able to take a trip out West this past summer with some friends and family. While planning the trip I realized there were two things I really wanted to do. I wanted to go to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial and I wanted to see the Grand Canyon. We loaded the car and headed out for our first stop, Oklahoma City, nearly an 18 hour drive. We were a bit exhausted by the time we arrived for the evening but I was excited that the next day we would be visiting a friends church and then going to the memorial.

I remember the bombing and the day it happened, at the time I was shocked by the event but never really put it into perspective of what it meant. While standing there looking at the reflection pool of the memorial it hit me how fragile life is. I had questions, no doubt not much different than any other person. Why would something like this happen? What were those people who were in or around the building at that time thinking and doing? How has the bombing affected their lives even years later? I wondered if some found Christ through the tragedy? Did some leave Christ after the tragedy, not understanding how a loved one could be taken so quickly. Are some still frightened to be in an office building or if they hear a large noise? We might never know the full impact on those lives that day, but I trust they all were impacted in a large way. It was very surreal to know that in the blink of an eye my own life could be over without warning. With that thought I wondered how my life here on Earth would affect those after I am gone. Did I display Christ to all I came in contact with? Would God say, "enter in thou good and faithful servant?"

After another couple days of driving we made it out to the Grand Canyon. This is the place were I experienced how huge God is and His creation. I take for granted those things that I see every day in nature and it helped me become more aware of the Earth God created for us. It truly was an awe inspiring place, where if given the time, you could have a good conversation with the Lord and feel in His presence and marvel at his master piece.

Two different experiences both of which allowed me to get closer to the Lord. We don't always see the everyday things He gives to us to marvel at because we don't take the time to look. In my busy life I take for granted those small blessings and wait on the big ones that truly impact my life.....that's my loss unfortunately because the small ones are around daily and the big ones only come sporadically.

Have you missed your small blessing today? The child who gave you a hug or smiled at you? The wind blowing, knowing you can feel it but can't see it, just like the Spirit of God. I want to thank Him for each day He gives me and be grateful for all the blessings I have great or small.


"The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes." Psalms 118:23

God sees the BIG picture!

During the Spring of 2009 I decided I wanted to go back to college to get my Master's Degree in Counseling. I really had no idea how it could even work out for me to go but I figured it couldn't hurt to try. So I applied to the MAC program at Cincinnati Christian University. The application process is out of control, references, essays, paperwork and interviews. I completed the process and had to take a day off work to go to the interview. I was so excited but still unsure if it was what the Lord wanted for me. I began to pray about it and my prayer was if I didn't get into the program I would be okay with it knowing the Lord was in control.

Wow, that's so much easier said than done. I didn't get accepted, I got wait listed, which means if the people they accepted decided not to come I could. That was almost even worse, kind of like your good, but not quite good enough. I pretty much left it alone and was over it in a day or so. I really feel like everything in my life happens for a reason so I just try to not get too upset when I don't "get my way". I'm really glad that He sees the BIG picture.

When I started back to school as you know there were so many changes that I had to deal with I honestly would have NEVER been able to handle Master's classes on top of everything else. The first semester of school was extremely stressful and it would have just added to my stress. Never say God doesn't know what's best for us, He always does and He never gives us more than we can bear!

Come October I received an email letting me know that the school would like for me to apply to the program again if I wanted to. I decided I would try one more time and see what happened. I also prayed that if I was to get accepted the Lord was going to have to take care of the bills, as I don't have the funds to pay for the courses. Needless to say, I got accepted this time, I started taking classes in January and have always had the money to pay for the classes......God always provides!! I'm really enjoying what I'm learning and I know I'll be using this experience down the road to help others as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God is still in the taking care of business, business!

The summer of 2009 came and went, then it was time to return to school. My second year teaching at ACA, a change of curriculum, teaching two grades (5th and 6th) and a blind student. I remember thinking when the principal told me about the challenges I was going to have that school year, "yea right Lord, is this supposed to be funny?" It was truly a challenge in the beginning, my schedule was crazy, I worked most evenings late just to keep caught up, but there is always a reason the Lord brings someone or a difficult situation into our lives and he showed me many times that 1st semester exactly why he placed me in that stressful situation.

After working with Jesse(my blind student)for a month or so and speaking with his mother and some of the people he had in his life helping him adjust to public school, I found out there was a piece of equipment he really needed. This particular piece of equipment was called a BrailleNote and it's cost, oh only between $6,000 and $7,000. I did research online trying to find him a scholarship or a way for the school to obtain this for him and nothing ever worked out. His mother was also trying to find a way to get it for him. Then it hit me, why can't I ask the students in my class to start praying about it for him.

I had been teaching on the power of prayer up to this point during Bible class and I wanted the children to see prayer in action, not only prayer but more specifically their prayers. So, I explained to them what we were in need of about $6,000.00. To them that was like telling the Lord we needed one million, but we started praying. Those children prayed earnestly, never forgetting to pray about it. If I would ask for prayer request inevitably someone would say, "Ms. Williams, don't forget about Jesse's Braillenote."

Throughout this time the children started seeing their own prayers being answered, someone needed to find a lost phone, and a week later the phone was found in a place that had been checked multiple times. He was so excited to come to school that morning and let me know God had let him find his phone. One student's clarinet was broken and had been out for repair for a very long time. She finally asked the class to pray about it and that very day her clarinet was dropped off at the school in working condition.

I went to church and asked my church to pray about the Braillenote as well. I explained to the congregation that as much as I want Jesse to have it, I wanted my students to see God answer their prayer more, so we started praying about it at church as well.

God is always faithful, with a loving heart that will give us our hearts desire if only we ask. One morning around 9 weeks after we started praying the principal pulled me out of class. He said, "Ms. Williams, I just wanted to show you what your students have prayed in and in his hand was a check for $7000, enough for the Braillenote and all the extras Jesse would need to be able to do his work. I asked him if I could take the check in to show the class and of course he agreed. My students went crazy, they were clapping and cheering. God at that moment had showed each student and a lot of adults, that his abilities to do for us are far greater than we can imagine and even more than that He does listen to our prayers and does answer them.

The money came from someone in another state, a foundation that had heard from someone, who was not related to our school, about Jesse's case. They didn't know we had been praying for this need, but God opened their hearts and used them to answer prayers for a classroom of 5th and 6th graders.

You would think by this time that I had seen God work so much in my own life that this shouldn't have been that big a deal for me, it was just another prayer answered. That couldn't be further from the truth......I needed just like those children needed to see God do something big for my students that year, I needed to know God was going to re-enforce to them what I was teaching them and He did!!!

What a mighty God we serve!!!

Getting ahead of God!

The first school year came to a close. It had been a good year and God had provided and helped me with the students in my class. As I began to think about the summer months I had no idea what I was going to do. As it turned out I did not get a paycheck during summer, so I needed to find a summer job and quick! Unfortunately very few companies will hire you for 10 weeks and with the recession in full swing I was totally panicked!

I had spoken to a couple people on campus and told them to let me know if they heard of anyone hiring. One of my friends said, "he knew someone but was unsure of when the job would be available." I had a couple students who needed tutoring a few times a week so I started doing that, this gave me about $100 a week income (try living on that for very long), talk about stretching your money. Some of the weeks they would forget to pay or would cancel, so money I would plan on showed up late or not at all.

I had a couple people give me their tithes during this time, they said they felt the Lord would want them to help one of His own when they were in a tight spot. This money helped me stay caught up. I began to get desperate and didn't know what to do. I called the school and asked them if they had anything that I could do. They did......and now I know why the job was available. I had to call people to update the address list the school had on file, approximately 10,000 families. It was the most boring job I have ever had. A day after I started the job, I got the call that the summer job I had been wanting was now available and I could start immediately. If I would have just waited patiently on the Lord, I wouldn't now have 2 jobs!

As much as I am not someone to back out on something, I did the most uncomfortable thing in the world and quit the calling job. My impatience put me in a difficult, uncomfortable situation, all because I was not patient enough to wait for the Lord to provide. I found out from that specific situation to WAIT, the Lord always has a plan and each summer since He has provided. I have been able to keep that summer job even through the school year.

God has something huge planned for me, but if I do now what I did back then and try to "fix it" myself He'll have to come behind me and correct my mistakes. I have to learn to let my impatience not take over His master plan. If you're wondering if that job, spouse, money or whatever your need is will be coming in.....remember God really doesn't need your help to take care of it, He only needs your willingness to wait and be obedient in what He wants for your life!


Isiah 30:41 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Learning how to pray

It's a difficult thing when a relationship ends, whether it be a spouse, friend, family member, co-workers, whatever the case it's never easy just to walk away from people and forget them. My first year at GBS God was trying to show me that I needed to put all my trust in Him. If I needed something financially, I needed to take it to Him. If I needed a friend, I needed to let Him know. When Montessa and I weren't seeing eye to eye, I had to leave the problem with Him.

This is a very difficult lesson to learn, especially for me. I'm a very controlling person. I like to have complete control of situations, my motto, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Well I'll be the first to admit, that's not a good motto. At some point we will always need someone, we were placed here to help each other and God uses people to answer prayers. However, I believe there are times in our lives when God wants us to F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God)!

Over the months I would come to Him with issues or problems, like Lord, how am I gonna afford Christmas or my car insurance is due and I don't have the money. Lord I really want Montessa biological mother to get saved, she needs to know what it's like to serve you. Whatever my issue for the moment I was forced to take it to God. I shouldn't be surprised, but He came through every time.

I was thinking the other day about those times and my times as a Christian. All the prayers God has answered. I was talking to a friend and told him, "Every thing I have ever truly prayed for and needed, God has provided, honestly all my wants as well." He couldn't believe it, but it's true. I have had to trust Him in every aspect in my life.....financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and a lot of times even when I was lonely and I felt nobody else in the world cared. Now don't go getting all sad for me, I don't feel that way often and when I do I have learned to take it Jesus. He is the one person I can always go to, even when no physical human being is around.

This has helped me over the years to truly and honestly take the scripture, "Pray without ceasing",1 Thessalonians 5:17, to heart. I tell my students I pray all day, I'm constantly talking to God, even when they wouldn't suspect it. I believe that's what He wants from us, even before telling a friend about our problem, He wants us to tell Him.

It's not an easy thing to learn to pray, I remember growing up and even into my adulthood I used to pray the, "Now I lay me down to sleep, prayer", you know it. Throughout my last few years as a Christian I have really started learning how to pray, I believe God is honoring my prayers because when I pray about it I believe He will take care of it because He has never failed me!

Are you trusting Him for all of your needs, or are you trying to control the situation before handing it off to Him to have to fix what you messed up? If it's given to Him first it will always be done the right way, the first time, God doesn't make mistakes!

Really Lord???

After returning home from Belize I was heading off to God's Bible School and College. I was so excited and looking forward to what was planned for the year, then I remembered, I only know 3 people at the school. My daughter and my pastor's wife Melissa who was also a teacher at the school (and I didn't even know her very well, I had just started attending their church)and Justin who referred me to the school in the first place, but I rarely saw him.

The first few weeks were an adjustment, new home, new employer, new way of living (in a fishbowl) and trying to stay out of Montessa's way so she could actually be a college student without mommy following her around.

I'm gonna be very honest here, by the end of the first month, I HATED IT!! I started questioning everything I thought I knew, what God's plans were for me and I felt alone and isolated. I felt like an 18 year old who dropped off in a foreign land and told to deal with it and make the best of it. Honestly, I was trying but nothing seemed to work. I started spending my weekends at my mom's house just so I didn't have to be on campus. I didn't know anyone real well and it was like walking into a new school as a kid and having to make friends all over. It was already a well oiled machine, these people didn't know me or anything about me and as a side note, I'm really bad at small talk. I find it difficult to just talk to people I don't know.

Again, God was trying to show me I needed to rely on Him and not myself. He always has a bigger plan than we can imagine. I remember praying one night that He would have to help me because as is, I wasn't going to make it. I went to school the next morning and asked Melissa to pray for me because I was miserable. For some reason, I don't know why it was easier to start my life over in Belize than it was just 40 minutes from my hometown.

Like the movie, Field of Dreams....you remember it, the one with Kevin Costner and the baseball players, "If you build it they will come." Well God said, "If you ask I will send you some friends" and He did! Answering prayers not only for me, but also the people He sent into my life at the time. It's all about timing, again I had to be reminded it's never my time, it's God's.

Should I stay or should I go?

Have you ever had a major decision to make and really no matter what happened you would be fine with the outcome? After being in Belize for about 5 months I started feeling like I needed to return to America. The problem was, come back to what? I didn't really have anything in America but my family. I love them all dearly but starting over completely, again, was not something I relished.

As the school year started to come to an end I felt like my purpose for being in Belize was accomplished. I began praying because I knew I didn't want to come home and work in a secular job,doing the same old, same old. My prayer was for the Lord to open up a job position at God's Bible School and College for me. If I was offered a position to teach there, then I would know for sure I was supposed to go back home.

I emailed the principal I had interviewed with in January and just asked him to keep me in mind if any positions opened up. He emailed me back a few days later and told me he had a teaching position for me for the next school year, if I was interested. I WAS INTERESTED! My prayer had been answered! I accepted the position and we purchased our plan tickets. Then it happened! Just when life is moving along smooth a big ole slap in the face. He contacted me again apologizing that my position had been given to someone else. Apparently, there was a lack of communication and two people were hiring someone for the same position. UGH!!! This was totally a test of my faith.

I came back to the apartment and told Aunt Carol what had happened and that I didn't have a position anymore. She said, "We are going home, one way or another you will be working for God's Bible School." She was right, within a few days I received another email stating the issue had been resolved and my position was available. I was on my way back to America.

God works in such mysterious ways. We left Belize headed back for America at the beginning of July, our time in Belize had been fulfilled. God had used us for the purpose we were sent for.

Sometimes our plans are long-term and Gods are short-term. We never know what He has in store of us, it's not our job to figure it out. It's only our job to do what He asks of us and let Him work our lives out, as He see fits!

What is a blessing?

Have you ever stopped to consider what a "blessing" actually is? A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent. Proverbs 28:20. All to often in our Christian world today people tend to think of a real blessing only in the sense of financial. How many times have we heard, "Oh the Lord blessed me with a little extra money." I'm not saying that blessings can't be monetary, but I would venture to guess the blessings the Lord really wants us to have are spiritual. Those things that help us or another person grow.

While in Belize I had a real burden for the teenagers there. Most of them had been in the school for many years. They were from all different religious backgrounds, Catholic, Seventh Day Adventist and so on. They had heard many different things throughout their life and really were a little confused. They were good kids and for the most part really wanted to do the right thing. I found out quickly they were just a little unsure of how to go about giving their lives to God.

I had one student in particular that I had a heavy burden for. I had a burden for them all but this one was different. I prayed consistently for him to give his life to the Lord. It seemed the more I prayed the more dead set against it he was. He would say, "Oh, don't waste your prayers on me Miss, I have no interest in being a Christian." It would break my heart knowing that God had this master plan for this young man and he just couldn't see it. For months I'd pray and we would talk to him about the Lord, but to no avail. Sometimes children get things in their head that make them think that they have done so much wrong God could never forgive them. If He did forgive them, they would have to go make up to everyone they had ever wronged and have their forgiveness also. Unfortunately, that's how this young man felt.

I kept trying to think of ways to let the teenagers know that God's forgiveness was all we needed. To take our sins to Jesus and ask Him to forgive us, for some reason it was almost as if that was too easy and they didn't really trust that was all it took. Then it dawned on me one evening, the song by Casting Crowns, East to West. The words are so profound in that song, God cast our sins as far as the East is to the West, forgiven and forgotten. I brought the words to that song to Sunday school on one Sunday morning and had the children read them out loud. Then we talked about what they really meant.

Honestly, I can't really remember the exact time frame but at some point after the young man asked me to pray that the Lord would give him a desire to give his life over to him. Of course, I immediately went home and Aunt Carol and I prayed for him. God is so very faithful, before leaving Belize 4 of my teenagers gave their heart to Christ. To this day, 3 years later, they are all still serving Him and very soon will be attending Bible Colleges in the United States.

The young man who didn't want me to pray for him because he had his own plans for his life, he wanted to be a pilot, will be attending college this fall and getting his degree in Missionary Aviation. To God be the glory!

I say all that to say this, blessings in the form of money will NEVER top spiritual blessings for me and shouldn't for any Christian! Now I'm not going to turn away any money the Lord gives me, but it's not what keeps me going. The fact that I can influence a young person to turn their life over to Christ will always be more of a motivation and blessing for me!

God's healing power

We all have a purpose in this life and sometimes it's a little difficult to figure out what it is. While in Belize I was really trying to figure that out. The funny thing is we don't see ourselves as others see us. One of the things I grab a hold of early on in my Christian walk was the faith that God still wants to heal us. Whether from heartache or physical pain.

I had read some older books about true stories of God healing people of physical illness. One that I would suggest is "Healing Divine", it's about 100 years old, however the stories people tell are truly powerful. I also did a lot of studying on the topic in the Bible. So my belief in healing grew. Over the first couple years of my Christian walk whenever I would get sick, (which wasn't often), I would have the church pray over me and God would heal me. Now that being said, I didn't usually ask for prayer unless it was something that I would have gone to the doctor for.

The evening before I left for Belize I broke my toe. My mom tried to wrap it and the pain was so unbearable when she touched it I screamed. I know that there is not much a doctor or hospital could do for a broken toe. All I could keep thinking was how was I going to travel all that distance the next day with a broken toe. Later that evening while I was lying in bed it hit me, have Aunt Carol pray over it. So I called for her and asked her to pray over my toe. She laughed and said, "I was wondering how long it was going to take you to ask." The next morning I woke up with no pain or swelling in my foot, I was completely healed.

On another occasion while in Belize, I was woken up at 2 a.m. with the worst pain ever in my side. I had never felt that type of pain and didn't know what it was. I was crying horribly and no matter how I laid, it would not go away. I didn't want to wake Aunt Carol up because it was so late, I really feel like the Lord spoke to me and told me to wake her up to pray. I argued back and forth with Him in my head because I thought it was too late to wake her. Finally, I could not take the pain anymore, I grabbed my little bottle of oil I had purchased in Israel and went in and woke her up. Through my sobs I told her what was happening and asked her to pray for me. She anointed me, half asleep and prayed, then I went back to my bedroom. I feel asleep immediately, the next morning I woke up with no pain. She said she had laid there listening for me because I had been crying so badly, but never heard me after I went back to my bedroom. A few years later that same pain returned and this time I recognized it, I had a kidney stone. God took complete care of me in that situation as well.

The reason I give you my life examples is because while in Belize God used our belief in healing to teach others. Really He used Aunt Carol, she has a much stronger faith than I do when it comes to God's power to heal. Sister Wade, the wife of the principal had been dealing with cancer for a few years. She was only able to work for a couple hours without needing rest. She was only in her forties. She was on a regimen of natural medications and diet which eased some of her pain, but still did not take care of the cancer. She had also had surgery at one time that didn't cure it. Aunt Carol did a lot of things in Belize, but the real reason God sent her was to teach Sister and Brother Wade about the power of healing. Sister Wade was anointed by the church and prayed for and she was healed! Her children to this day have written letters of how God healed their mother and how well she is doing, she is even working in the school now. Junior their youngest said,"if we came to Belize for no other reason it was for his mother to be healed."

I understand that it's not easy to believe God still heals today, but there are too many people who truly experience His healing power and not enough talking about it. It's not what we believe in our head. Lets face it, God can do anything, but it's what we believe in our hearts, "will He heal me!" That's what we have to believe, that He will heal. Don't take my word for it or even the stories I've told, test God. If you have a relationship with Him, He will show you what He can do. Just believe in your heart that what His word says is true. In James 5:13-15 God's word says this about what we have to do to be healed. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

A Humble Heart Will Do Wonders

Have you ever felt like you really need to speak to someone about how you have treated them? You don't understand why they just don't respect you. Yet when you really think about it do you give them the same respect you're wanting from them? I found out that respect is not always deserved, it must be earned, especially when we aren't doing our part in respecting the other person.

While teaching in Belize I had a young man who I would literally pray would not be at school on some days. He was such a handful and drove me insane quite often. This in turn caused me to be very short and impatient with him. On one occasion out of pure disrespect he ate the detention slip I had given him in front of me and the entire student body.

This particular young man was Leroy. He was a 14 year old boy, who lived in a not so caring home. One evening while at home the Lord clearly spoke to me and told me, "You will not win him until you apologize." I was so taken aback, I didn't feel I had anything to apologize for, but the words were spoken again. I told the Lord I would apologize the next day. The day came and went and I didn't apologize. Over the weekend I was feeling very overwhelmed in my spirit because I had not done what I told the Lord I would do. So I decided on Sunday evening the first thing in the morning Monday I would talk to Leroy. Would you know it Monday came and Leroy did not show up for school. As a matter of fact, he was very ill, he had a very serious kidney problem that he could die from. He had been taken to the hospital on Sunday with a 102 fever and an infection in his kidney. I immediately thought he could die and I would not have been able to apologize to him, although I was still unsure as to what I was apologizing for. I prayed night and day for him to return to school and each day he didn't show up. He was not in a hospital that I could go visit either due to the location.

After many days I was so upset, I began begging the Lord to help him to get better so that I might be able to speak to him. A week later he walked into the school building. I had never been so happy to see him in my life! I jumped up from my desk and ran over and hugged him and told him, "I was happy for him to be back." All the while he was looking at me as though I had lost my mind. I let him settle into his day and at lunch I called him outside. I proceeded to tell him my story and how the Lord had spoken to me and I needed to apologize and at that moment the Lord told me what for, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head. I cried and asked him to forgive me because my behavior was no better than his. I would allow myself to get upset with him and be just as disrespectful to him as I felt he was to me. I spoke to him about his spiritual and physical well being. I told him I loved him and from that point on I would be treating him with a different attitude. He never looked at me but accepted my apology and went on his way.

God truly works in mysterious ways. From that day on I never had another problem out of Leroy. He would bring me mango's from his mango tree (they are my favorite) and always treated me with utmost respect. He is one of the many students I will never forget. I learned a valuable lesson from him that semester about respect and how to obtain it. As far as I am aware Leroy has not given his heart to the Lord and I'm not sure what is going on with his health. I just pray the Lord will continue to work with him and not give up on him till He has won him over.

I do not tell you this so that you might see where I lack but so that you might see that the Lord can humble even the teacher to the student for His glory alone. Is there someone you need to humble yourself before? If you haven't already humbled yourself to Christ, that would be the first place to start. He will help you with anyone else from that point on.

"Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:4

When it rains it pours!

The first couple weeks after we had arrived in Belize we realized life was going to be a little different and an adjustment. We had a two bedroom apartment with cold showers (or bucket baths) whichever you prefer. We had to warm water on the stove if you wanted anything to be lukewarm. Our fridge was the size of a dorm room fridge and our stove was like a camping stove, but it had an oven attached. We had to walk up two steep flights of stairs to get to the top and once we were in, there was no air conditioning or glass in the windows, which left the apartment open to little creatures. Snakes were prevalent in the area, however prior to leaving we prayed for the Lord to keep us protected and to not allow us to see any snakes. God is faithful and did just that!

I'm by no means complaining about our living conditions, considering some of the homes we visited throughout the country we were very privileged. We had the basics and that was really all we needed to get by. The best part about the apartment was from our back porch landing was a wonderful breeze right off of the Caribbean Sea. We were only a mile or so away and it was beautiful. I loved sitting out there during the evenings drinking tea, eating something sweet and chatting with whoever was around, plus it was the only place I could sit and pick up any internet connection at all.

We found out quickly that things were not going to be as we knew it back in the states. We had to walk our trash out to a field and have it burned. Guess what are in those fields, you got it SNAKES. We usually paid Junior to take our trash out or I would run like the wind, (for me a quick jog is about as fast as I can run) to throw it in the pile and make a bee line back to the cement sidewalk.

Then it happened.......the rain started. We were new to the rain situation and Belize and oblivious to the fact that our apartment filled up with water quickly when heavy rains came. This would explain why the floors were cement. A rainstorm came that bordered on a small hurricane! I was awakened by rain pelting me in the head and Aunt Carol saying oh so calmly, "Monica, you may want to get up your room is filling with water." Ugh, what a sight. We spent hours sweeping the water out of the house and mopping and drying the floors with towels, it was a mess. Through all the rain and mess that needed to be cleaned we never once said, "Lord, why would you let this happen?" We had not been there very long, couldn't He just wait to give us something like this to deal with. No, we knew we were supposed to be where we were and whatever came our way would be of the Lord and for His purpose.

It taught me a good lesson that day, even when you're in the Lord's will, you still might get soaked! It builds character when we have to deal with things that are unusual or even unpleasant. God wants us to be well rounded people able to rely on Him in all situations, but not surprised by any, whether it be inches of rain, feet of snow, loss of anything important to us or even someone not speaking kindly about us or to us.

I was thinking upon this scripture lately and trying to figure out what God is really trying to say. "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45 It's good to know when the sun and rain come, He is my father and I know it's coming from Him and His protection will be there also!

I finally gave up hope!

I'm left with nothing, few personal possessions, no home, no job, my daughter went off to college and nothing to look forward too. It's now January 2008, I've been out of work for 5 months and at this point, just bored and feeling hopeless! I had given up all hope of going to Belize to the be a missionary. I had prayed and prayed, put fleece after fleece out to the Lord to show me what He wanted from my life and NOTHING! I was so frustrated, I felt like my life was at a stand still, no where to move either forward or backward, nothing to even look forward to.

Then it happened not one but two job opportunities, this must be it! The Lord is finally going to put me to work, if I'm not going to the mission field I'll at least be working (or so I thought).

First, my old company called me back, not for the same position and not for even close the money. However, I decided because I really like the person who would be my boss I would go in and talk about what he wanted to offer me. I showed up and as I walked through the company doors immediately I knew it was not where I was suppose to be. At the end of the interview/talk, I told him I couldn't take the job. I wouldn't be able to give 100% because I didn't feel like it was where the Lord wanted me. He totally understood and said a job would always be available to me.

Then a position I had dreamed about since I became a Christian. I had an interview with God's Bible School and College to work in the Academy. I had earned my bachelors in Elementary Education years before and never taught. I wanted to work for GBS and had no idea how to even go about getting on with them. This was where Montessa was going to college so it would be perfect. I could be working where she was going to college and teaching, the thing I wanted to do. I went to the job interview so excited and needless to say I left very disappointed and heart broken. I wasn't offered a position.

Once again NOTHING......Driving home I remember talking to God and at this point begging Him to show me what it was He wanted me to do with my life!!!! Ugh, frustration had completely set in.

That evening I was on IM speaking to Clara, the Wade's daughter who I met when I had visited Belize the previous March. For some reason, I asked her how their school was doing. She said, "mommy wishes the Lord would send us a teacher". I don't think I ever realized they needed a teacher. I finished my conversation with her that evening and said good-bye. I remember asking my aunt to pray that the Lord would open the door if that's where I was supposed to go. The next morning I got a phone call from a lady at my church whose husband was in Belize with the Wades at that time. She said, "David needs you to call him in Belize." I called Belize and David said, "The Wades would like to know if you would come to Belize to teach at their school?" They weren't able to pay me but they could provide an apartment and food. I said yes and asked my aunt to go with me to help, she said, "yes".

Within 2 weeks, we were packed and on our way to Belize, out of the blue going some place I completely didn't expect and with a family I barely knew. God worked everything out, the trip (a young man we met on our Israel trip, "Jaimee" picked us up from the bus station in Michigan and took us to the airport the next morning). The finances, He provided the money we needed for living expenses the entire time we were there because we didn't go under a church, we had to support ourselves. When traveling through Mexico we had no problems, even with the language barrier. God is good....took care of us every step of the way.

It seems as though just when I gave up, lost my faith is when God stepped in. I know His timing is perfect and looking back now I know why I had to wait. If you've given up on a prayer, don't worry He knows all about it. His answer may be No, but it could also be Yes, just not right at this moment. Keep the faith and know He hears you and always wants what's best for you!

My next few post will be about my experience as a missionary in Belize, God did some wonderful things during that time and humbled me as well.....stay tuned!

Kicking and Screaming!

Just like a child who throws a temper tantrum because they want a toy, candy or doesn't want to eat their vegetables, I too was good at kicking and screaming when I didn't want to listen to the Lord.

In late 2006, our little Church of New Miami decided to close its doors. Myself along with my cousin Darin's family and my Aunt Carol (who was the pastor) had felt God was leading us all to the mission field for full time ministry. We all had our homes up for sale and were planning to go together. Our hopes were to start and orphanage in Belize. We had such a tiny church only around 20 people in attendance so my aunt suggested that we all go to my uncle's church until the Lord sold our homes and we were prepared to leave for the mission field. I on the other hand had my own plans.

It wasn't necessarily that I had a problem with my uncle's church because honestly I hadn't really been there since he had taken over preaching. My issue stemmed from forgiveness I had not given for something that happened years before. I felt my uncle had taken sides in a situation, condemned me and offered no solution to the problem. To be honest, I felt like he just made it worse. Although I love him very much, there was something about him preaching to me or being my pastor that I struggled with because I hadn't let go of the hurt I felt from the issue.

My entire church decided to attend his church, that is everyone but Montessa and I. We went to a friend of mines church. I liked their church because there were not a lot of people and I thought the pastor was a really nice man. He was also a Bible believing and preaching pastor. I attended there for sometime until I started getting a feeling in my gut (I'm sure the Holy Spirit),that this was not where I was supposed to be. A couple incidents came up with regards to the youth and the youth minister and him undermining my parenting and my beliefs with Montessa. I never said anything to Montessa about thinking we needed to leave, I felt like God would have to truly show me because I didn't want to uproot her from another church.

My mom had been attending with me for some time off and on and she knew my feelings. On one particular Sunday we were sitting in service and she said, "you don't want to be here do you." I told her, "No, but didn't feel I could leave until I knew it was Gods will." After service we all got in the car to go to her house and low an behold, Montessa said, "Mom if you don't want to continue going to that church I'm fine with it." Mom looked at me and said, "well there's your answer." Montessa was completely confused she had no idea what we were talking about. I then explained to her that I felt we needed to leave the church, but I didn't want to uproot her again. Needless to say that was the last service we would attend.

The next week I had to humble myself to go to my uncle's church. For some reason that's where I felt God wanted me. It took me some time, not to forgive (because I had already forgiven), but to trust him again. The people were friendly and of course welcomed me and Montessa. My mom started going with me there also. The rest of my old church family was there as well. We had some really good services there. I met the most wonderful woman who I love dearly, Sister Burns (she has since passed away and I cried for her loss, but rejoiced knowing she is with the Lord). She was in her late 70's or early 80's, but her and I just clicked. I loved her gentle spirit and the fact that she didn't want to intentionally hurt peoples feelings, even if her beliefs were different from theirs. She helped me become a less judgmental person and I thank her for that. If I went to that church for that reason alone then it was worth it.

I threw my tantrum and made my own choice as to where I was going to go to church based on my feelings and not listening to the Lord. It took Him a while, but He got me to the place He wanted me to be at the time. I went kicking and screaming, but obedience is always better than sacrifice. I learned a lot about myself while I was there. I learned I had to let go of the past and move forward. I had to let go of the disappointment and hurt I had felt over the situation with my uncle. God helped me do all those things. I still feel like I have every right to guard my heart, I'm only human. However, guarding my heart at the cost of doing what God wanted for me, will never be right or His will. If you're guarding your heart, speak to the Lord about it, ask Him to give you strength to let go of whatever it is you're trying to protect yourself from and if He'll wrap His arms of protection around you while you're letting go. He is always faithful to help in our time of need.

Moving on!

I'm sure by now you might be saying to yourself, "wow, I wouldn't want her life." Believe it or not the year wasn't all chalked up to loss and change. The Lord blessed me that year also with allowing me to travel, a lot! Traveling is one of my passions, I love exploring other places and seeing how other people live. I've traveled by myself in my younger days to California and Tennessee, it's something that doesn't scare me. If I miss my flight, I wait for the next one......there always seems to be some mystery to traveling.

In February, before Jairus went to live with his grandmother I decided we needed to go on a vacation. So Montessa, Jairus, my mother and myself all flew to Disney World and spent our time having fun and exploring the area. Jairus had so much fun and I'm not sure Disney World is a place he'll get to visit anytime soon so I was happy to share the experience with him.

In March, I went to Belize. My Aunt, cousin Darin and I flew down and met some other friends who had driven there. We spent 8 days meeting people and exploring the entire country. Some of our time was on a converted school bus. We would sing, talk, sleep, and just have fun driving along the main highway. It almost felt like a time of refreshing for me. Some time I needed to just be away and it really helped. In the meantime, the Lord used the trip for bigger plans for my life down the road.

In June, over the anniversary of Jeff's death, Montessa, Jeff's sister Aleta (she was the only one speaking to us at the time)and I went on a Christian bus tour to New York City. We were on a bus with about 45 other people, the tour guides on the bus were from a local Christian radio station. It was such an enjoyable trip. We met some wonderful people and it helped all of us to be away during that time. It was my first time to visit New York and I have to say as wonderful as the Statue of Liberty, ground zero, Beauty and The Beast on Broadway and Time Square were, the highlight of the trip was truly the Sunday service at The Brooklyn Tabernacle. I would suggest to anyone who visits New York to go to that church and experience worship with those people.

In November, my aunt and myself decided to visit some missionaries we knew in South Dakota. Since I was out of work and she didn't have a job it was great timing. So we rented a car and drove to Colorado Springs and then on to South Dakota. It was a very stressful trip since I was the only one driving and I ended up sick, but we still enjoyed seeing all the sites of those states.

When I think of 2007 I have very good thoughts and some that are a little sad. A lot happened but each thing was one more thing to draw me closer to God. One more thing to further His plans for my life. I remind myself that people every day go through horrible tragedies and difficult times just like myself. I have someone to go to and I hope if your faith is in Jesus Christ you have someone to go to as well, the world just has to rely upon themselves and their own strength.

One of my favorite things to say in times of despair is "Move On". I can't change the past and I have no control over the future. This life is not mine, so the best thing to do is just keep moving on and trust the Lord for my strength to do so.


I love the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", it totally speaks to me and what we need to do. I have attached the link below if you want to listen.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo

The losses continue........they will end soon though!

I've returned to the past, I was able to climb into my time machine and quickly hop back. The year 2006 was pretty much not a good year all around. Come New Years Eve 2007 I thought maybe things would start looking up and they appeared to be. Montessa gave her life to Christ on January 7, 2007. I had pulled her out of Lakota Schools and enrolled her in an online school in order for her to complete her final courses and graduate early from high school. The goal was we would be heading to the mission field and I didn't want her to have to worry about school work. She said not being in public school and helped while she was trying to live for Christ.

I had put my house up for sale in September of 2006 and tons of people came through but never any takers. I was so sure the Lord wanted me to go to the mission field, but I could not go until both of my properties were sold, 4 vehicles, a house full of furniture and anything that was not going to be needed. Over time the vehicles sold and paid off, I had a wonderful friend of Jeff's helping me take care them.

In March, another big loss, Jairus our foster son who had been with us for almost two years went to live with his grandmother permanently. The dream of adopting him was no longer, I'm grateful however that the Lord still allows me to see and speak to him when he is in town. Montessa and I both took it very hard. He was one more part of our family to leave.

Montessa graduated in July a year early from school. She was enjoying her summer and had a fun graduation party where lots of our friends and family attended. Jeff's friends were so wonderful to her. Always there to encourage her along the way.

With still no guidance from the Lord regarding Belize and no bites on my house in August I lost my job! I would say that devastated me but really it was a God send even though it was a little unexpected. I was sure another job would be easy enough to find. By now I was down to 1 home, 1 child, 1 vehicle and slowly but surely an empty house with little furnishings.


I was so unsure as to why my home hadn't sold, I had prayed and prayed. I know everything is in God's timing, but come on Lord I don't have a job now. I had some people over my house one Saturday afternoon, helping my cousin and his family move in with us for a short time since they had sold their house as well. We decided to have a circle prayer right in the middle of my garage for my home to sell. This is how big God is.....Within minutes not even an hour, He sent my realtor to tell me a pastor, who had previously viewed it wanted to purchase it, for what I was asking! I didn't even have to bargain on my price, which I had never lowered for the entire year it was on the market. He paid cash for it, didn't require me to fix anything from the inspection and I never had to make another house payment after I lost my job. By early October, I had sold my home, all the furnishing in it and moved out.

I was gainfully unemployed, semi-homeless (none to call my own), Montessa and I moved into my moms house and stayed in an 8x8 bedroom together, my foster son was back with his family and I had no idea what I was supposed to do......so guess what I did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING......I tried searching for a job and no luck, I have never been out of a job for longer than 3 weeks, but nothing, even jobs I was well qualified for or under-qualified. My aunt (who also lived with my mom at the time) and I decided to do something instead of sit at home all day so we started working in the soup kitchen at the Salvation Army a couple days a week serving. It was funny, some of the people thought we were working there because we had gotten into trouble and were doing community service. I didn't mind, it was something to do and I felt like we were making a little bit of difference with our spare time.

Then my daughter dropped a bomb, she said, "well mom since it doesn't look like we are going to Belize, I'd like to start college in January." So I moved her to God's Bible School in January of 2008......I was devastated. Although she may never have noticed it was so hard to see her leave even though it was only 40 minutes away. I was now truly all alone! I know I was totally being selfish at that time, I was happy for her to want to go to school, but sad that I had lost something else so precious to me.

God was working in her life and in reality mine too......He had began preparing me in 2005 for the many things I would lose or give up for Him. I would be lying if I said any of it was easy because it wasn't. The majority of it was very painful, but God was always faithful to show me He was still in control. With every answered prayer He was saying, "just be patient, I have something wonderful planned for you, but in my time not yours."

If your going thru a time of loss or a time of uncertainty about what's ahead in the future, remember He has a plan. Let Him work it out in your life and it will be great! While doing so remember and live by the advice in this scripture and it will make it a little easier to wait......Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4 (This is my favorite Bible verse)

An intermission to thank the Lord for an answered prayer!

I'm going to take a short intermission from telling my past story. I have had it laid on my heart for a few weeks that I need to share how good God is and what He has done recently!

Have you ever felt like the Lord has spoken to you and told you to do something, but you're just not sure it was the Lord. It's happened to me more than once through out my Christianity and I learned pretty quickly to test Him. According to 1 John 4:1 "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world."

I was beginning to feel like maybe I wasn't suppose to be writing this blog. Maybe I was writing it for the wrong reasons. My full intention in starting it was for God to get the glory from a life He has changed. Not only did He change me, but He has never failed me (most people will say yet after that statement)......I choose not to because He will NEVER fail me. Whatever comes my way in my life it will be of God's doing, so how can I count any of it as a failure. Somehow Satan got into my head and started telling me I shouldn't be writing this, it's not doing any good and no one is even reading it.

A couple of weeks ago maybe after about my seventh post, I prayed one evening. I wanted to know if I should continue writing or stop, I needed to know I was doing God's will. It's not in my best interest to write this blog because lets face it not all of this is easy to tell. It's difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable and tell all my private business. I'm sure some people might even disagree with me for doing it. In my prayer I asked the Lord to show me that I was doing what He wanted me to do and doing it for the right reasons. Not to be boasting about myself or anything great I have done, I told no one about my prayer or my concern.

God is so kind and faithful He answered my prayer that evening before I went to sleep. My daughter made a comment on my blog that confirmed she was okay with what I was writing. In my head I said, "Great thanks Lord, but she's my daughter and she would love me know matter what and support whatever I did." Although I was very grateful for the comment, God knew this alone would not help me to know 100% this was what He wanted me to do.

The next morning I went for my normal walk with my friend Beth, after I dropped her off I was in McDonald's drive thru purchasing my favorite drink, "iced mocha" and I happened to open my Facebook account on my phone. Within my account was a message, a very detailed message by one of my FB friends. I have asked her permission to post it below, however for her anonymity I'm leaving her name out, I would rather share her message than her name, it's amazing =)

"Hey there! Your blogs have touched me, so thank you for sharing! I too was raised in a Christian home, all of my life, but am not living my life the way that I should. Not proud of how my life has turned out. Depression has ruined me and my family, but I don't want to use excuses anymore for the way my life is. I want to change it! I want God to change it! I know that He can and will pray that He will! God uses people to wake us up and I'm truly thankful for it! I'm sick of excuses and I'm sick of letting Satan walk all over me an my family! I am not where I need to be in life and am asking you to pray with me that I will let God be in control from here on out! I need help! I need praying friends! I need you and I know that God has lead me to your blogs for a reason! Thank you so much for sharing! :-)"

Right there in McDonald's parking lot I started crying like a little child......and you have already been told it takes a lot for me to cry. I was so emotional for two reasons, first, every doubt I had, God confirmed I was doing exactly what He wanted me to be doing. Secondly, for this friend and her situation and desire to be following Christ. (Someone who I haven't seen in over 20 years and have only spoken on FB once and not about Christianity). God is so amazing, He used someone in my life and in her life to show that He can be everywhere at once and answer both of our prayers. She has since re-dedicated her life to Christ. I see this happy person now with great uplifting post on her FB statuses and giving Christ all the glory. If the angels in Heaven rejoice over one who turns to Christ why shouldn't we!!!!!

Since then the Lord continues to confirm my fears by sending others my way with comments of wanting a changed life, a life lived for Him. My blog is helping and that's all that matters......extending a loving hand with an open heart to expand the Kingdom of God, regardless of what we have to do to accomplish it!!

Is there a ministry God wants you to do, maybe it's not the Vacation Bible School or a ministry your church has. Maybe He wants you to step out in faith and do something on your own, just you and Jesus working together. I have found just living a life and telling your story is enough to show others how BIG God is. I'm not unusual, people all over the world have much better stories than I, they need to be told......so go tell your story to someone and let God work in your life and theres!


"And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15

Walk a mile

Have you ever thought someone wasn't behaving the way you thought they should about a situation? Were they not showing enough emotions? Think of someone you have given a gift to, did they smile and appear to enjoy the gift or were they ungrateful on the outside? Did it make you sad if they didn't appear happy about receiving your gift? The thing is, not everyone acts the same when some thing happens. We are all individuals and every response can be different.

Right after Jeff's death his family stayed in contact with Montessa and I. They seemed to be very supportive. I tried to do everything I knew how to ease their pain. I gave them most everything of his. I also had his clothes cut up and made into quilts for his niece and nephew (who he adored). They, just like I were searching for answers to the why questions, unfortunately the answers they wanted weren't there and someone needed to take the blame. Honestly, I guess I can't blame them for blaming me, I blamed myself for a long time.

They felt like I wasn't grieving properly, I guess I didn't cry as much as I should have. What's interesting to me is nobody truly knows anyone during a time such as that. Who is anyone to judge how someone else is grieving. For one, I'm not too much of an emotional person anyway. My uncle teased me once and said, "someone would have to twist my arm and poke me in the eye before I would cry." Although that is a total exaggeration, it takes a lot for me to cry in front of others. Secondly, walk a mile in my shoes or anyones shoes for that matter. People are different, that's how God created us.

I remember the family helped us celebrate Montessa's birthday and we even celebrated Jeff's birthday in October. I told his mother about me wanting to go to the mission field and she seemed happy for me. By the time Christmas rolled around however, they no longer wanted anything to do with us or maybe just me, unfortunately Montesssa got put in the middle and lost another family. His death became my fault for them and there was no words I could say or anything I could do to change it.

I was told how strong I was and how people just couldn't believe how well I was taking the loss of Jeff. I think some people would have truly only accepted the fact that I was devastated by my loss if I would have crawled into bed and not left for months. My strength was surely not my own, there were days that's exactly what I wanted to do, but life has to go on. I had children relying on me and God. What kind of glory would He have gotten had I just given up. Even with the persecutions by family and friends, some of which were directly related to my relationship with Christ. He tells us to rejoice when we are being persecuted for his sake. I'm not sure how much rejoicing I did, but it did seem to make me stronger and my relationship with Christ stronger.

For about a year, I went through one trial after another surrounding Jeff's death with people. I felt like I was in a pit I couldn't crawl out of. Nothing I said or did helped. I had to just keep telling myself things would eventually turn around. To this day I still don't have any contact with his family, per their wishes. His father passed away recently and I remember being so upset and crying because I didn't know how to handle the situation. God gave me wisdom and helped me through that situation as well.

Through all the persecutions and accusations I continued to rely on God. He was my strength and helped me. To this day I have no hard or bitter feelings towards anyone, honestly. I don't have it in me and if I can't forgive, Jesus won't forgive me. If there are people in your life that maybe hasn't handled a situation they way you thought they should.......my suggestion is to not judge them, pray for them and forgive them. Remember, one day you might have to walk the same mile they are walking today, how would you handle it.

I found this quote today and I thought it spoke perfectly, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."

Our mission is all in God's time!

Prior to Jeff's death our church had decided to do some mission work in the country of Belize. If you are like me I had never heard of Belize and did not know where Belize was prior to going to Israel. That's where we met Robert Thompson, he had a Christian school in Santa Elena, Belize. Shannon at church had been to Belize before and had a heart to do some mission work there. Our church got together and decided we would build a playground for his school. We had great big plans.

Over the months we started having fundraisers to raise enough money to take a trip to Belize and build a playground. This started in April and after Jeff died in June I started feeling a desire to go as a long term missionary to Belize. I'm not sure if it was me trying to run away from my problems, thinking this would help me with my grieving process, or an earnest desire to build the Kingdom of God on foreign soil. Either way God always knows what's best. We had planned to make a trip around Christmas time. This time never worked out so we ended up going in March, only a few of us though. Unfortunately, we were unable to build a playground for too many reasons to list. However, the Lord led us to a family who needed help as well. We were able to help one of the children get enough money to go Florida to see her sister and the college she was wanting to attend.

We met the Wades there and became friends with them. We also traveled to Punta Gorda which was in the far south. This trip would down the road change my life. God was already using people from the Israel trip to make a difference in where my life was heading.

The people in our lives are placed there by God. For whatever reason and sometimes we will never truly know the reasons. Just remember, He is the one who's really in control, all our planning and good intentions will never trump His plans for us if we are in His will.

If you're wondering what His will is for you today, it might not be as easy to figure out. I started with Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."

Life goes on and blessings are abundant!

It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one, but one by their own hand is almost unbearable. With questions unanswered and no explanations as to why, the only thing I could do is rely on the Lord for guidance and strength. It could have driven me crazy trying to answer the WHY! My old self would have not stopped until I found everything out, Jeff used to tease me, "saying that I could have been a private investigator." I almost wonder if that's what he was banking on happening. My new self knew it was not going to change the outcome and God helped me let go of the desire to have all the answers.

Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.

By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.

When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.

Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.

When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.

When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!

God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.

If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Letting go

Have you ever thought about your funeral…….I know it’s morbid, but once someone close to you dies the reality of our short time on this earth hits closer to home. It brings thoughts to my mind such as will a lot of people come to morn my death, what kind of music will they play, what words will be spoken…..all of those things, but most importantly, will people be able to say without a doubt, “she was a good Christian woman.”

Jeff’s visitation was on Monday evening and over 500 people attended. If there was any doubt that Jeff was a loved person they were erased that evening. I remember thinking, “If only he could have seen how many people loved him.” He might have found someone to talk to and not done what he had done. Unfortunately, we never tell anyone how we really feel about them until it’s too late. We hold grudges and bad feelings for years or just tell ourselves, “We’ll get around to visiting or calling one day.”

Tuesday morning was the funeral, I was so extremely tired and I didn’t feel well. I knew I was going to speak and Satan was trying to talk me out of saying what I felt I needed to. I really wanted people to understand what type of person Jeff was a wonderful, husband, father, son, brother and friend. I also wanted people to understand that there are always options……choosing to end your life was not one of them. Life is never as bad as the enemy wants us to think it is and he really doesn’t want us to know that we can go to one that can turn it around. I spoke exactly what I needed to and felt the Lord help me to get through it without fear.

Since Jeff was not in church or religious I had my aunt deliver the message at the funeral. We talked about what she was going to say. She gave a powerful message on the importance of guarding our soul. We spend so much money and effort trying to improve the outward without ever giving much thought to our soul and where we will spend eternity. Apparently, some people heard a different message or disagreed with the message, from that point on trouble started. Even before we made it back home people were fighting.

I am so not a grudge holder; I am very much a forgiving person sometimes to the point of getting walked all over. You know what, I don’t care, grudges and bitterness only hurts the person who’s not letting go of them. I would rather be forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times seven but, until seventy times seven. “ That’s a lot, but how much more should we be forgiving when God has forgiven us for so much more.

If you’re holding a grudge or bitterness towards someone I hope you can forgive them, I promise you’re only hurting yourself. If you struggle with it pray and ask God to help you, He will! Once you are gone or they are it’s not going to make a bit of difference.

No money for a funeral

The next few days came and went, waiting to hear back from the coroner to release Jeff's body for the funeral. I had never planned a funeral before and was totally unprepared on what to select and most of all "the cost". Jeff's mom graciously went with me to the funeral home to help me get the arrangements together. She was so kind, allowing me to do whatever I wanted. I thought it was strange that the funeral director asked my permission for her to go see Jeff.......I mean come on she is his mother. I agreed and stayed by myself going through the books trying to find something that I thought Jeff would have liked. I know this might sound bad, but I was so grateful for not having to actually have "seen him" up close in the garage and I definitely did not want my last memory of him to be in the basement of a funeral home.

Now that all the arrangements were made the real quandry was how was I going to pay for it. If you remember Jeff had been on lock out from his company since March. We didn't think to purchase individual life insurance policies outside of our employers plans. Now by no means were we broke........however, something I would warn strongly against and would never do again, Jeff and I had separate accounts. None of his money was in my name and vice versa. I could not access any of his money for sometime until it went through attorneys. He had cleared out an account the week before he died and I found the money in our home but it was only a couple thousand dollars, not enough to have a funeral. So I did the unimaginable, I charged his funeral on a credit card, close to $9,000. I had no idea how I was going to pay it off, but I knew the Lord would provide somehow. Jeff's dad was kind enough to purchase the headstone and give up a plot that his family had. When it was all said and done the cost of the funeral was almost $11,000. The sad part was I didn't pick the best of things either. Now on top of everything else I had to worry bout another bill.

On Sunday before the funeral I went to church as usual. I NEEDED to be in church. It was where I found the most comfort, my church family were great. I asked my aunt if she would preach on Job. At the time I had known of the story of Job, but now I was feeling like Job. I remember the song selection was so somber that morning, I'm sure with any loss people don't really know how to react, I couldn't take it though it was just making me more depressed. I stood up in church and if I remember right, thanked them for all their support but asked them if we could sing more "happy" songs, which we did. That was my place of peace and comfort and having gone to church helped prepare me for the next days ahead, the funeral. I'm going to stop here today, because the funeral is a whole post in and of its self.

I was glad to know I had the Lord on my side and trusting in Him was all I could do at this point. Too many things were coming at me all at once without much time to react. It's good to know my father in Heaven knew all about it and helped prepare me long before.

Numb

As I sat in the driveway I was numb, I could not even think to dial a number on the cell phone, the one I did dial, no one answered. After about five minutes I realized I needed to call people (thank goodness for speed dial), first the baby, he had not been picked up from daycare. I called my mom, gave a quick, "Jeff is gone, please go pick up Jairus at daycare and hung up." Then others, this is truly the one detail I specifically can't remember, I know I made a couple of calls but only a few. Within minutes my front yard was filled with people. Jeff's mother came and it was so difficult for me to tell her it wasn't an accident. A parent is not supposed to out live a child. His father couldn't stand we had to sit him down immediately, it hit him like a lead balloon. The pain felt at our home that day was truly unbearable.

Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!

I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.

As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."

That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.

He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.

Please wake me from this nightmare!

2006 started off great, however, if you recall the statement my aunt had said to me the day I totally surrendered to Christ, "Now your trials will come." It had been well over a year and a half and life was going pretty well. Then in March 2006 while I was in Israel my husband called me and told me that his company was on lock out.....he was out of a job. Honestly, this really didn't stress me out because he was very good with his money and I knew he would get unemployment so I didn't much worry about it. I also figured they'd be back to work in just a few months. He never really seemed to allow it to bother him either. He just had some free time he was not use to, so he spent more time riding his motorcycle, playing golf or helping get the children where they needed to be, along with teaching Montessa how to drive. So he kept pretty busy.

Then it happened, a day that is truly embedded into my brain and no matter how much I try I can't forget the very tiny details of the day and weeks before. It was Wednesday, June 21st I pulled into the driveway and was immediately annoyed, the garage door would not open. This was however not completely unusual as we had been having some issues with it over the months. I parked in the drive way and walked in to the house, I said to myself, "wait something strange is going on here." "What is that noise, that smell, where is Jeff and the baby?" I searched the house to no avail. I even tried to go into the garage but the door was locked and I couldn't get in. I called Jeff's mom and asked her if she had seen him, she told me, no. I explained to her that the Carbon Monoxide detector was going off and there was a horrible smell in the house. She told me to get off the phone and call 911, so that's what I did.

While I was on the phone with the 911 operator I realized I had a key to the side garage door, so I opened it. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "this is strange, Jeff's truck is here and running, but he's not in it." I quickly turned it off, the entire time the 911 operator screaming at me literally to get out of the garage and help was on the way. Still confused I turned to leave the garage and that's when it hit me, my whole life just stopped.....like time stopped. I saw Jeff laying on the ground on the other side of the truck. I had no way to get too him, the motorcycle was blocking my path. Within just a few seconds of me realizing this the fire department pulled up. I walked to the front of the house and they climbed over the truck and opened the garage door manually. I knew before they said it, he was gone.

My next several post are going to be difficult for me to write. Not just because of the events of the next year, but because of all the people that were affected. Jeff's death was the biggest loss I had experienced since my father died in 1998 and even that wasn't as difficult because it was expected due to his cancer. This was so unexpected and out of character for who Jeff was and the life he lived and done by his own choice. He gave no warning and no explanation, so many unanswered questions for me and his family.

When you think times can't get any worse, they can.....but grateful am I for the verse that kept me through it all. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.

He can help you as well through those difficult times, knowing His strength is truly all we need to make it.

You can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!

As 2005 came to a close, I had seen in God's Revivalist, a publication by God's Bible School and College that they were planning a trip to Israel in February of 2006. Immediately I wanted to go, I didn't know how this would even be possible seeing as though I had no passport nor did I have the over $2000 it cost to go on the trip. I sat down one night to tell Jeff what I was thinking and his exact response was, "NO,you can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!" I was so upset because I really felt like this was a trip I needed to take. I wanted to walk where Jesus walked. I wanted to see the places I had read about in the Bible, it would make it seem more real to me. So in my normal fashion I began to pray that the Lord would work it out.

I had spoken to my Aunt Carol about it and she also wanted to go along with Ruby another lady from our church. I called the college and asked if they had any more open seats, lucky they did have a few on such short notice (prayer one answered).

Then the issue of passports, none of us had a passport and since 9/11 it was not as quick and easy to do, we were unsure if we would even get them back in time to go. So in mid January we went and applied for our passports, all the time Jeff was still saying no. You would think I would have listened and said ok, but I had a strong belief that I needed to go on this trip and if it was God's will there would be a way. We obtained our passports in mid February (prayer two answered).

Now came the money issue, Jeff would not give me the money to go because he was so against me going, so I started praying the Lord would provide the money someway. Jeff had told my mom a week before I left that, "he figured I had the money because I was planning as though I was going." She told him, "no she doesn't, she is just trusting the Lord will provide it." She also told him that, "I had more faith in my pinky finger than he had in his entire body and there should be no reason for him to worry about me dying over there." Really my mom eased his fears about me going, although he still wasn't happy about it. So a little less than a week before I left someone offered to pay my way, I thought this was very generous and highly unexpected so I agreed as long as they would allow me to pay them back when I returned (prayer three answered).

We all left for Israel without knowing exactly what to expect, but expecting to meet God there and boy did we. We went with about 45 other people, none of which any of us knew, but that was okay we were on a trip of a lifetime.

Our time in Israel was truly a blessing from God, it was a time of learning more about Him and growing closer to Him. I remember we went to a Jewish owners store on one of the days and he would answer our questions about the Jewish religion. At the end of his talk he said, "I will tell you that none of you are here by accident, it never fails, I hear from people all the time, they come to Israel thinking it would be a great trip and God always uses the trip for a purpose in each persons life." I'm sure he had seen it happen over the years of meeting people, but it was a very prophetic message for me that would come very true in many ways in my life.

I could write pages on my trip to Israel and the experience I had, but the most important was the times spent with God and learning about Him, not just the places we got to see. I would recommend anyone who wants to get closer to Christ to take a trip to the Holy Land, you will never forget it or regret it. You'll see in future post how this trip changed the very path my life was on, with people who have been in and out of my life since.

Just to show you how faithful God truly is, we returned home the first week in March and the very day I got home I had the money to repay the person who paid for me to go on the trip (prayer four answered).

My most favorite Bible verse, "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart" Psalms 37:4........God's word has never failed me yet!