Numb

As I sat in the driveway I was numb, I could not even think to dial a number on the cell phone, the one I did dial, no one answered. After about five minutes I realized I needed to call people (thank goodness for speed dial), first the baby, he had not been picked up from daycare. I called my mom, gave a quick, "Jeff is gone, please go pick up Jairus at daycare and hung up." Then others, this is truly the one detail I specifically can't remember, I know I made a couple of calls but only a few. Within minutes my front yard was filled with people. Jeff's mother came and it was so difficult for me to tell her it wasn't an accident. A parent is not supposed to out live a child. His father couldn't stand we had to sit him down immediately, it hit him like a lead balloon. The pain felt at our home that day was truly unbearable.

Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!

I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.

As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."

That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.

He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.