Prior to Jeff's death our church had decided to do some mission work in the country of Belize. If you are like me I had never heard of Belize and did not know where Belize was prior to going to Israel. That's where we met Robert Thompson, he had a Christian school in Santa Elena, Belize. Shannon at church had been to Belize before and had a heart to do some mission work there. Our church got together and decided we would build a playground for his school. We had great big plans.
Over the months we started having fundraisers to raise enough money to take a trip to Belize and build a playground. This started in April and after Jeff died in June I started feeling a desire to go as a long term missionary to Belize. I'm not sure if it was me trying to run away from my problems, thinking this would help me with my grieving process, or an earnest desire to build the Kingdom of God on foreign soil. Either way God always knows what's best. We had planned to make a trip around Christmas time. This time never worked out so we ended up going in March, only a few of us though. Unfortunately, we were unable to build a playground for too many reasons to list. However, the Lord led us to a family who needed help as well. We were able to help one of the children get enough money to go Florida to see her sister and the college she was wanting to attend.
We met the Wades there and became friends with them. We also traveled to Punta Gorda which was in the far south. This trip would down the road change my life. God was already using people from the Israel trip to make a difference in where my life was heading.
The people in our lives are placed there by God. For whatever reason and sometimes we will never truly know the reasons. Just remember, He is the one who's really in control, all our planning and good intentions will never trump His plans for us if we are in His will.
If you're wondering what His will is for you today, it might not be as easy to figure out. I started with Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Life goes on and blessings are abundant!
It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one, but one by their own hand is almost unbearable. With questions unanswered and no explanations as to why, the only thing I could do is rely on the Lord for guidance and strength. It could have driven me crazy trying to answer the WHY! My old self would have not stopped until I found everything out, Jeff used to tease me, "saying that I could have been a private investigator." I almost wonder if that's what he was banking on happening. My new self knew it was not going to change the outcome and God helped me let go of the desire to have all the answers.
Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.
By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.
When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.
Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.
When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.
When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!
God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.
If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Now it was Gods turn to show me who He really is and what He could do. A few days after the funeral I called the Social Security office, even though Jeff did not legally adopt Montessa he was still supporting her so I should have been able to receive something from SSI. I was in my room and the children were in other parts of the house. I called the 800 number and low and behold I got the most unkind non- compassionate person in the office. Isn't that how it is sometimes, when we are already down for the count someone comes along and wants to kick us. This lady basically told me, "I was crazy and there was no way I could get SSI for Montessa because Jeff hadn't adopted her, even though we were married." I had no fight in me so I said, "thank you" and hung up the phone. I then proceeded to pull the covers up over my head and cry. Talk about no faith, at that very moment I had none nor did I have it in me to even muster some up. I called my mom and explained to her what happened. She was furious and called the 800 number herself. Apparently, those numbers go all over the country and they had hundreds of Angela's working for them, so no luck with that, except the person on the other end told my mom, "the woman was incorrect and to actually go into the SSI office." (Thanks mom) This helped my faith a little but I still was feeling very low.
By now I had missed a couple weeks of work, I was trying to work my self-esteem back up to make it back to work. Self esteem is not something that I ever had an issue with, however in my head I was so ashamed. What type of wife was I that my husband would choose to take his own life and never talk to me about his issues. I must have been a horrible friend and wife and the shame I felt was overwhelming.
When I left work I only had 2 days of paid time off and no sick days left. I was still unable to access money from Jeff's accounts, no life insurance policy, $9000 in funeral expenses, 3 car payments (we had 4 vehicles and 1 motorcycle), 2 house payments, one was a rental and that was covered by the renters, thank the Lord. Our property taxes of $2500 were coming due the next month and we didn't escrow, Jeff had always saved the money and paid them himself. When it was all said and done I had over $50,000 in credit card, funeral, and vehicle debt to pay, along with $1200 in mortgage payment and property taxes. I had a good job but not enough to dig myself out of debt like that alone.
Over the next 2 months the Lord truly provided in ways I never thought imaginable.
Remember I spoke to my boss Michele the night of Jeff's death and she asked me what I needed. I had no idea and was never able to tell her. My company and fellow co-workers however took it upon themselves to help without truly knowing my needs. When I finally returned to work 4 weeks later I had over 100 hours of paid time off stored up, donated by fellow co-workers. They also continued paying me my weekly salary and the thing that really showed me how big God was, and yes He does use people.....the day before I returned to work Michele called me and said,"she needed to stop by my house to see me." She showed up with a letter and a check, to be exact she gave me a check to cover the exact amount of bills that were laying on my dresser.....Jeff's funeral, house payment for the month, car payments for the month and the real estate taxes (oh yea, I also paid tithes on the money) I still had enough. The check was for $16,800. The company had never before done this but they took up a collection from the employees and the company match it 50/50. GOD IS GOOD, and so were all my co-workers. Not only had they donated their time, but also their money.
When I finally got the nerve up to go to the SSI office, the man at the office was so compassionate and understanding. I was approved to receive SSI for Montessa for 2 more years (the exact amount of my house payment minus my tithes). Again, God provided.
When it was all said and done, my house payments were covered. I was able to access Jeff's savings and other funds he had set aside and pay off ALL of our debt and sold all the vehicles, with the help of Jeff's friend Shawn. I kept one vehicle and I still own it today (but was able to pay if off). A new car is on my current prayer list and I have no doubt the Lord will provide that as well in His timing!
God provided all my needs through that time, even when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, or the wood of table below the mound of bills. When Satan tried to bring me down with the lady from SSI, God was still in control! My faith was built back up and I managed to make it back to work, where of course open arms awaited. God had in place a year before the people He would need for a time such as this. When we can't see the big picture He does, it's just a matter of trusting Him.
If you're wondering why something is happening in your life and you're serving the Lord, trust me, He knows. Even when things don't make sense to us they do to Him. Hold on and He will bring help just in the nick of time, because really what we think in the last minute is actually right on time for Him and His way of getting the glory for the miracles and blessing He provides.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, July 26, 2010
Letting go
Have you ever thought about your funeral…….I know it’s morbid, but once someone close to you dies the reality of our short time on this earth hits closer to home. It brings thoughts to my mind such as will a lot of people come to morn my death, what kind of music will they play, what words will be spoken…..all of those things, but most importantly, will people be able to say without a doubt, “she was a good Christian woman.”
Jeff’s visitation was on Monday evening and over 500 people attended. If there was any doubt that Jeff was a loved person they were erased that evening. I remember thinking, “If only he could have seen how many people loved him.” He might have found someone to talk to and not done what he had done. Unfortunately, we never tell anyone how we really feel about them until it’s too late. We hold grudges and bad feelings for years or just tell ourselves, “We’ll get around to visiting or calling one day.”
Tuesday morning was the funeral, I was so extremely tired and I didn’t feel well. I knew I was going to speak and Satan was trying to talk me out of saying what I felt I needed to. I really wanted people to understand what type of person Jeff was a wonderful, husband, father, son, brother and friend. I also wanted people to understand that there are always options……choosing to end your life was not one of them. Life is never as bad as the enemy wants us to think it is and he really doesn’t want us to know that we can go to one that can turn it around. I spoke exactly what I needed to and felt the Lord help me to get through it without fear.
Since Jeff was not in church or religious I had my aunt deliver the message at the funeral. We talked about what she was going to say. She gave a powerful message on the importance of guarding our soul. We spend so much money and effort trying to improve the outward without ever giving much thought to our soul and where we will spend eternity. Apparently, some people heard a different message or disagreed with the message, from that point on trouble started. Even before we made it back home people were fighting.
I am so not a grudge holder; I am very much a forgiving person sometimes to the point of getting walked all over. You know what, I don’t care, grudges and bitterness only hurts the person who’s not letting go of them. I would rather be forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times seven but, until seventy times seven. “ That’s a lot, but how much more should we be forgiving when God has forgiven us for so much more.
If you’re holding a grudge or bitterness towards someone I hope you can forgive them, I promise you’re only hurting yourself. If you struggle with it pray and ask God to help you, He will! Once you are gone or they are it’s not going to make a bit of difference.
Jeff’s visitation was on Monday evening and over 500 people attended. If there was any doubt that Jeff was a loved person they were erased that evening. I remember thinking, “If only he could have seen how many people loved him.” He might have found someone to talk to and not done what he had done. Unfortunately, we never tell anyone how we really feel about them until it’s too late. We hold grudges and bad feelings for years or just tell ourselves, “We’ll get around to visiting or calling one day.”
Tuesday morning was the funeral, I was so extremely tired and I didn’t feel well. I knew I was going to speak and Satan was trying to talk me out of saying what I felt I needed to. I really wanted people to understand what type of person Jeff was a wonderful, husband, father, son, brother and friend. I also wanted people to understand that there are always options……choosing to end your life was not one of them. Life is never as bad as the enemy wants us to think it is and he really doesn’t want us to know that we can go to one that can turn it around. I spoke exactly what I needed to and felt the Lord help me to get through it without fear.
Since Jeff was not in church or religious I had my aunt deliver the message at the funeral. We talked about what she was going to say. She gave a powerful message on the importance of guarding our soul. We spend so much money and effort trying to improve the outward without ever giving much thought to our soul and where we will spend eternity. Apparently, some people heard a different message or disagreed with the message, from that point on trouble started. Even before we made it back home people were fighting.
I am so not a grudge holder; I am very much a forgiving person sometimes to the point of getting walked all over. You know what, I don’t care, grudges and bitterness only hurts the person who’s not letting go of them. I would rather be forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times seven but, until seventy times seven. “ That’s a lot, but how much more should we be forgiving when God has forgiven us for so much more.
If you’re holding a grudge or bitterness towards someone I hope you can forgive them, I promise you’re only hurting yourself. If you struggle with it pray and ask God to help you, He will! Once you are gone or they are it’s not going to make a bit of difference.
Friday, July 23, 2010
No money for a funeral
The next few days came and went, waiting to hear back from the coroner to release Jeff's body for the funeral. I had never planned a funeral before and was totally unprepared on what to select and most of all "the cost". Jeff's mom graciously went with me to the funeral home to help me get the arrangements together. She was so kind, allowing me to do whatever I wanted. I thought it was strange that the funeral director asked my permission for her to go see Jeff.......I mean come on she is his mother. I agreed and stayed by myself going through the books trying to find something that I thought Jeff would have liked. I know this might sound bad, but I was so grateful for not having to actually have "seen him" up close in the garage and I definitely did not want my last memory of him to be in the basement of a funeral home.
Now that all the arrangements were made the real quandry was how was I going to pay for it. If you remember Jeff had been on lock out from his company since March. We didn't think to purchase individual life insurance policies outside of our employers plans. Now by no means were we broke........however, something I would warn strongly against and would never do again, Jeff and I had separate accounts. None of his money was in my name and vice versa. I could not access any of his money for sometime until it went through attorneys. He had cleared out an account the week before he died and I found the money in our home but it was only a couple thousand dollars, not enough to have a funeral. So I did the unimaginable, I charged his funeral on a credit card, close to $9,000. I had no idea how I was going to pay it off, but I knew the Lord would provide somehow. Jeff's dad was kind enough to purchase the headstone and give up a plot that his family had. When it was all said and done the cost of the funeral was almost $11,000. The sad part was I didn't pick the best of things either. Now on top of everything else I had to worry bout another bill.
On Sunday before the funeral I went to church as usual. I NEEDED to be in church. It was where I found the most comfort, my church family were great. I asked my aunt if she would preach on Job. At the time I had known of the story of Job, but now I was feeling like Job. I remember the song selection was so somber that morning, I'm sure with any loss people don't really know how to react, I couldn't take it though it was just making me more depressed. I stood up in church and if I remember right, thanked them for all their support but asked them if we could sing more "happy" songs, which we did. That was my place of peace and comfort and having gone to church helped prepare me for the next days ahead, the funeral. I'm going to stop here today, because the funeral is a whole post in and of its self.
I was glad to know I had the Lord on my side and trusting in Him was all I could do at this point. Too many things were coming at me all at once without much time to react. It's good to know my father in Heaven knew all about it and helped prepare me long before.
Now that all the arrangements were made the real quandry was how was I going to pay for it. If you remember Jeff had been on lock out from his company since March. We didn't think to purchase individual life insurance policies outside of our employers plans. Now by no means were we broke........however, something I would warn strongly against and would never do again, Jeff and I had separate accounts. None of his money was in my name and vice versa. I could not access any of his money for sometime until it went through attorneys. He had cleared out an account the week before he died and I found the money in our home but it was only a couple thousand dollars, not enough to have a funeral. So I did the unimaginable, I charged his funeral on a credit card, close to $9,000. I had no idea how I was going to pay it off, but I knew the Lord would provide somehow. Jeff's dad was kind enough to purchase the headstone and give up a plot that his family had. When it was all said and done the cost of the funeral was almost $11,000. The sad part was I didn't pick the best of things either. Now on top of everything else I had to worry bout another bill.
On Sunday before the funeral I went to church as usual. I NEEDED to be in church. It was where I found the most comfort, my church family were great. I asked my aunt if she would preach on Job. At the time I had known of the story of Job, but now I was feeling like Job. I remember the song selection was so somber that morning, I'm sure with any loss people don't really know how to react, I couldn't take it though it was just making me more depressed. I stood up in church and if I remember right, thanked them for all their support but asked them if we could sing more "happy" songs, which we did. That was my place of peace and comfort and having gone to church helped prepare me for the next days ahead, the funeral. I'm going to stop here today, because the funeral is a whole post in and of its self.
I was glad to know I had the Lord on my side and trusting in Him was all I could do at this point. Too many things were coming at me all at once without much time to react. It's good to know my father in Heaven knew all about it and helped prepare me long before.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Numb
As I sat in the driveway I was numb, I could not even think to dial a number on the cell phone, the one I did dial, no one answered. After about five minutes I realized I needed to call people (thank goodness for speed dial), first the baby, he had not been picked up from daycare. I called my mom, gave a quick, "Jeff is gone, please go pick up Jairus at daycare and hung up." Then others, this is truly the one detail I specifically can't remember, I know I made a couple of calls but only a few. Within minutes my front yard was filled with people. Jeff's mother came and it was so difficult for me to tell her it wasn't an accident. A parent is not supposed to out live a child. His father couldn't stand we had to sit him down immediately, it hit him like a lead balloon. The pain felt at our home that day was truly unbearable.
Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!
I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.
As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."
That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.
He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.
Then the "interrogation" by the detective. I felt like I was on trial right in my living room. Had we fought? Was he depressed? Where was I? When was the last time I saw him or spoke to him? Were we having financial problems? All the questions all of which I could answer very assuredly that as far as I knew all was well before this moment. The room was spinning and all I could think about was the last week.......did I miss something, did Jeff say or do something that would have given me a clue? Was there a note? After the detective cleared me we started searching the house frantically for a note and his cell phone, neither of which were ever found. So this is it, I'm never going to know why? That's not fair, I should at least be given an explanation, something!
I remembered, the day before, we had a journalist and photographer at our home doing a story on the foster care system and adoption. Our family was going to be in the paper that weekend representing the "perfect" adoptive family.....oh the horror!!! I could not let that article be published and on the next page Jeff's obituary. I had someone call Children's Services and beg them to pull the article. I could not imagine the talk that would have happened if it were to be published, I was so grateful they agreed not to publish it. Although now I wish I had the photos, they would have been the last photos I had of him and us as a family.
As the night wore on people came and went. I remember some specific conversations and others are a blur. It was late, the house still smelled of exhaust fumes, and I couldn't imagine what I was going to do when morning came. Where would I go from here? It was late and my boss Michele called, I took the call in my bedroom by myself, I tried to keep myself together. Remember I told you God always has a master plan, knows how our life will play out. It was His divine providence to put me in a department with a strong Christian woman. He knew I would need her around me when I had to face the world back at work. Until then He knew she would be the person who would give me comfort in my time of despair. After expressing her sympathies, she said, "what do you need, right now?" The truth was I didn't even know what I needed or was going to need, so she said, "let's pray." She prayed the most comforting prayer that helped me to understand I was not alone, first and foremost God was with me, but also my friends and family were as well. She proceeded to tell me,"not to worry about work, my job would still be there whenever I came back and not to rush, take all the time I needed."
That evening as darkness fell and it was truly well into the early morning hours I climbed into my bed, my sister by my side and cried myself to sleep. That's all I knew to do, trusting the Lord knew what tomorrow would bring and He would take care of me and my children.
He was as faithful back then as He is today.........I'm so glad I held no bitterness towards the Lord for my loss. I'm sure some worried I would, it never crossed my mind. I also knew the scripture, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 At the time I could see no good coming from this horrible tragedy.....looking back now I see an immense amount of good and love God has shown me.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Please wake me from this nightmare!
2006 started off great, however, if you recall the statement my aunt had said to me the day I totally surrendered to Christ, "Now your trials will come." It had been well over a year and a half and life was going pretty well. Then in March 2006 while I was in Israel my husband called me and told me that his company was on lock out.....he was out of a job. Honestly, this really didn't stress me out because he was very good with his money and I knew he would get unemployment so I didn't much worry about it. I also figured they'd be back to work in just a few months. He never really seemed to allow it to bother him either. He just had some free time he was not use to, so he spent more time riding his motorcycle, playing golf or helping get the children where they needed to be, along with teaching Montessa how to drive. So he kept pretty busy.
Then it happened, a day that is truly embedded into my brain and no matter how much I try I can't forget the very tiny details of the day and weeks before. It was Wednesday, June 21st I pulled into the driveway and was immediately annoyed, the garage door would not open. This was however not completely unusual as we had been having some issues with it over the months. I parked in the drive way and walked in to the house, I said to myself, "wait something strange is going on here." "What is that noise, that smell, where is Jeff and the baby?" I searched the house to no avail. I even tried to go into the garage but the door was locked and I couldn't get in. I called Jeff's mom and asked her if she had seen him, she told me, no. I explained to her that the Carbon Monoxide detector was going off and there was a horrible smell in the house. She told me to get off the phone and call 911, so that's what I did.
While I was on the phone with the 911 operator I realized I had a key to the side garage door, so I opened it. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "this is strange, Jeff's truck is here and running, but he's not in it." I quickly turned it off, the entire time the 911 operator screaming at me literally to get out of the garage and help was on the way. Still confused I turned to leave the garage and that's when it hit me, my whole life just stopped.....like time stopped. I saw Jeff laying on the ground on the other side of the truck. I had no way to get too him, the motorcycle was blocking my path. Within just a few seconds of me realizing this the fire department pulled up. I walked to the front of the house and they climbed over the truck and opened the garage door manually. I knew before they said it, he was gone.
My next several post are going to be difficult for me to write. Not just because of the events of the next year, but because of all the people that were affected. Jeff's death was the biggest loss I had experienced since my father died in 1998 and even that wasn't as difficult because it was expected due to his cancer. This was so unexpected and out of character for who Jeff was and the life he lived and done by his own choice. He gave no warning and no explanation, so many unanswered questions for me and his family.
When you think times can't get any worse, they can.....but grateful am I for the verse that kept me through it all. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
He can help you as well through those difficult times, knowing His strength is truly all we need to make it.
Then it happened, a day that is truly embedded into my brain and no matter how much I try I can't forget the very tiny details of the day and weeks before. It was Wednesday, June 21st I pulled into the driveway and was immediately annoyed, the garage door would not open. This was however not completely unusual as we had been having some issues with it over the months. I parked in the drive way and walked in to the house, I said to myself, "wait something strange is going on here." "What is that noise, that smell, where is Jeff and the baby?" I searched the house to no avail. I even tried to go into the garage but the door was locked and I couldn't get in. I called Jeff's mom and asked her if she had seen him, she told me, no. I explained to her that the Carbon Monoxide detector was going off and there was a horrible smell in the house. She told me to get off the phone and call 911, so that's what I did.
While I was on the phone with the 911 operator I realized I had a key to the side garage door, so I opened it. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "this is strange, Jeff's truck is here and running, but he's not in it." I quickly turned it off, the entire time the 911 operator screaming at me literally to get out of the garage and help was on the way. Still confused I turned to leave the garage and that's when it hit me, my whole life just stopped.....like time stopped. I saw Jeff laying on the ground on the other side of the truck. I had no way to get too him, the motorcycle was blocking my path. Within just a few seconds of me realizing this the fire department pulled up. I walked to the front of the house and they climbed over the truck and opened the garage door manually. I knew before they said it, he was gone.
My next several post are going to be difficult for me to write. Not just because of the events of the next year, but because of all the people that were affected. Jeff's death was the biggest loss I had experienced since my father died in 1998 and even that wasn't as difficult because it was expected due to his cancer. This was so unexpected and out of character for who Jeff was and the life he lived and done by his own choice. He gave no warning and no explanation, so many unanswered questions for me and his family.
When you think times can't get any worse, they can.....but grateful am I for the verse that kept me through it all. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
He can help you as well through those difficult times, knowing His strength is truly all we need to make it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
You can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!
As 2005 came to a close, I had seen in God's Revivalist, a publication by God's Bible School and College that they were planning a trip to Israel in February of 2006. Immediately I wanted to go, I didn't know how this would even be possible seeing as though I had no passport nor did I have the over $2000 it cost to go on the trip. I sat down one night to tell Jeff what I was thinking and his exact response was, "NO,you can't go there, you'll get yourself killed!" I was so upset because I really felt like this was a trip I needed to take. I wanted to walk where Jesus walked. I wanted to see the places I had read about in the Bible, it would make it seem more real to me. So in my normal fashion I began to pray that the Lord would work it out.
I had spoken to my Aunt Carol about it and she also wanted to go along with Ruby another lady from our church. I called the college and asked if they had any more open seats, lucky they did have a few on such short notice (prayer one answered).
Then the issue of passports, none of us had a passport and since 9/11 it was not as quick and easy to do, we were unsure if we would even get them back in time to go. So in mid January we went and applied for our passports, all the time Jeff was still saying no. You would think I would have listened and said ok, but I had a strong belief that I needed to go on this trip and if it was God's will there would be a way. We obtained our passports in mid February (prayer two answered).
Now came the money issue, Jeff would not give me the money to go because he was so against me going, so I started praying the Lord would provide the money someway. Jeff had told my mom a week before I left that, "he figured I had the money because I was planning as though I was going." She told him, "no she doesn't, she is just trusting the Lord will provide it." She also told him that, "I had more faith in my pinky finger than he had in his entire body and there should be no reason for him to worry about me dying over there." Really my mom eased his fears about me going, although he still wasn't happy about it. So a little less than a week before I left someone offered to pay my way, I thought this was very generous and highly unexpected so I agreed as long as they would allow me to pay them back when I returned (prayer three answered).
We all left for Israel without knowing exactly what to expect, but expecting to meet God there and boy did we. We went with about 45 other people, none of which any of us knew, but that was okay we were on a trip of a lifetime.
Our time in Israel was truly a blessing from God, it was a time of learning more about Him and growing closer to Him. I remember we went to a Jewish owners store on one of the days and he would answer our questions about the Jewish religion. At the end of his talk he said, "I will tell you that none of you are here by accident, it never fails, I hear from people all the time, they come to Israel thinking it would be a great trip and God always uses the trip for a purpose in each persons life." I'm sure he had seen it happen over the years of meeting people, but it was a very prophetic message for me that would come very true in many ways in my life.
I could write pages on my trip to Israel and the experience I had, but the most important was the times spent with God and learning about Him, not just the places we got to see. I would recommend anyone who wants to get closer to Christ to take a trip to the Holy Land, you will never forget it or regret it. You'll see in future post how this trip changed the very path my life was on, with people who have been in and out of my life since.
Just to show you how faithful God truly is, we returned home the first week in March and the very day I got home I had the money to repay the person who paid for me to go on the trip (prayer four answered).
My most favorite Bible verse, "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart" Psalms 37:4........God's word has never failed me yet!
I had spoken to my Aunt Carol about it and she also wanted to go along with Ruby another lady from our church. I called the college and asked if they had any more open seats, lucky they did have a few on such short notice (prayer one answered).
Then the issue of passports, none of us had a passport and since 9/11 it was not as quick and easy to do, we were unsure if we would even get them back in time to go. So in mid January we went and applied for our passports, all the time Jeff was still saying no. You would think I would have listened and said ok, but I had a strong belief that I needed to go on this trip and if it was God's will there would be a way. We obtained our passports in mid February (prayer two answered).
Now came the money issue, Jeff would not give me the money to go because he was so against me going, so I started praying the Lord would provide the money someway. Jeff had told my mom a week before I left that, "he figured I had the money because I was planning as though I was going." She told him, "no she doesn't, she is just trusting the Lord will provide it." She also told him that, "I had more faith in my pinky finger than he had in his entire body and there should be no reason for him to worry about me dying over there." Really my mom eased his fears about me going, although he still wasn't happy about it. So a little less than a week before I left someone offered to pay my way, I thought this was very generous and highly unexpected so I agreed as long as they would allow me to pay them back when I returned (prayer three answered).
We all left for Israel without knowing exactly what to expect, but expecting to meet God there and boy did we. We went with about 45 other people, none of which any of us knew, but that was okay we were on a trip of a lifetime.
Our time in Israel was truly a blessing from God, it was a time of learning more about Him and growing closer to Him. I remember we went to a Jewish owners store on one of the days and he would answer our questions about the Jewish religion. At the end of his talk he said, "I will tell you that none of you are here by accident, it never fails, I hear from people all the time, they come to Israel thinking it would be a great trip and God always uses the trip for a purpose in each persons life." I'm sure he had seen it happen over the years of meeting people, but it was a very prophetic message for me that would come very true in many ways in my life.
I could write pages on my trip to Israel and the experience I had, but the most important was the times spent with God and learning about Him, not just the places we got to see. I would recommend anyone who wants to get closer to Christ to take a trip to the Holy Land, you will never forget it or regret it. You'll see in future post how this trip changed the very path my life was on, with people who have been in and out of my life since.
Just to show you how faithful God truly is, we returned home the first week in March and the very day I got home I had the money to repay the person who paid for me to go on the trip (prayer four answered).
My most favorite Bible verse, "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart" Psalms 37:4........God's word has never failed me yet!
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