The first couple weeks after we had arrived in Belize we realized life was going to be a little different and an adjustment. We had a two bedroom apartment with cold showers (or bucket baths) whichever you prefer. We had to warm water on the stove if you wanted anything to be lukewarm. Our fridge was the size of a dorm room fridge and our stove was like a camping stove, but it had an oven attached. We had to walk up two steep flights of stairs to get to the top and once we were in, there was no air conditioning or glass in the windows, which left the apartment open to little creatures. Snakes were prevalent in the area, however prior to leaving we prayed for the Lord to keep us protected and to not allow us to see any snakes. God is faithful and did just that!
I'm by no means complaining about our living conditions, considering some of the homes we visited throughout the country we were very privileged. We had the basics and that was really all we needed to get by. The best part about the apartment was from our back porch landing was a wonderful breeze right off of the Caribbean Sea. We were only a mile or so away and it was beautiful. I loved sitting out there during the evenings drinking tea, eating something sweet and chatting with whoever was around, plus it was the only place I could sit and pick up any internet connection at all.
We found out quickly that things were not going to be as we knew it back in the states. We had to walk our trash out to a field and have it burned. Guess what are in those fields, you got it SNAKES. We usually paid Junior to take our trash out or I would run like the wind, (for me a quick jog is about as fast as I can run) to throw it in the pile and make a bee line back to the cement sidewalk.
Then it happened.......the rain started. We were new to the rain situation and Belize and oblivious to the fact that our apartment filled up with water quickly when heavy rains came. This would explain why the floors were cement. A rainstorm came that bordered on a small hurricane! I was awakened by rain pelting me in the head and Aunt Carol saying oh so calmly, "Monica, you may want to get up your room is filling with water." Ugh, what a sight. We spent hours sweeping the water out of the house and mopping and drying the floors with towels, it was a mess. Through all the rain and mess that needed to be cleaned we never once said, "Lord, why would you let this happen?" We had not been there very long, couldn't He just wait to give us something like this to deal with. No, we knew we were supposed to be where we were and whatever came our way would be of the Lord and for His purpose.
It taught me a good lesson that day, even when you're in the Lord's will, you still might get soaked! It builds character when we have to deal with things that are unusual or even unpleasant. God wants us to be well rounded people able to rely on Him in all situations, but not surprised by any, whether it be inches of rain, feet of snow, loss of anything important to us or even someone not speaking kindly about us or to us.
I was thinking upon this scripture lately and trying to figure out what God is really trying to say. "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45 It's good to know when the sun and rain come, He is my father and I know it's coming from Him and His protection will be there also!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
I finally gave up hope!
I'm left with nothing, few personal possessions, no home, no job, my daughter went off to college and nothing to look forward too. It's now January 2008, I've been out of work for 5 months and at this point, just bored and feeling hopeless! I had given up all hope of going to Belize to the be a missionary. I had prayed and prayed, put fleece after fleece out to the Lord to show me what He wanted from my life and NOTHING! I was so frustrated, I felt like my life was at a stand still, no where to move either forward or backward, nothing to even look forward to.
Then it happened not one but two job opportunities, this must be it! The Lord is finally going to put me to work, if I'm not going to the mission field I'll at least be working (or so I thought).
First, my old company called me back, not for the same position and not for even close the money. However, I decided because I really like the person who would be my boss I would go in and talk about what he wanted to offer me. I showed up and as I walked through the company doors immediately I knew it was not where I was suppose to be. At the end of the interview/talk, I told him I couldn't take the job. I wouldn't be able to give 100% because I didn't feel like it was where the Lord wanted me. He totally understood and said a job would always be available to me.
Then a position I had dreamed about since I became a Christian. I had an interview with God's Bible School and College to work in the Academy. I had earned my bachelors in Elementary Education years before and never taught. I wanted to work for GBS and had no idea how to even go about getting on with them. This was where Montessa was going to college so it would be perfect. I could be working where she was going to college and teaching, the thing I wanted to do. I went to the job interview so excited and needless to say I left very disappointed and heart broken. I wasn't offered a position.
Once again NOTHING......Driving home I remember talking to God and at this point begging Him to show me what it was He wanted me to do with my life!!!! Ugh, frustration had completely set in.
That evening I was on IM speaking to Clara, the Wade's daughter who I met when I had visited Belize the previous March. For some reason, I asked her how their school was doing. She said, "mommy wishes the Lord would send us a teacher". I don't think I ever realized they needed a teacher. I finished my conversation with her that evening and said good-bye. I remember asking my aunt to pray that the Lord would open the door if that's where I was supposed to go. The next morning I got a phone call from a lady at my church whose husband was in Belize with the Wades at that time. She said, "David needs you to call him in Belize." I called Belize and David said, "The Wades would like to know if you would come to Belize to teach at their school?" They weren't able to pay me but they could provide an apartment and food. I said yes and asked my aunt to go with me to help, she said, "yes".
Within 2 weeks, we were packed and on our way to Belize, out of the blue going some place I completely didn't expect and with a family I barely knew. God worked everything out, the trip (a young man we met on our Israel trip, "Jaimee" picked us up from the bus station in Michigan and took us to the airport the next morning). The finances, He provided the money we needed for living expenses the entire time we were there because we didn't go under a church, we had to support ourselves. When traveling through Mexico we had no problems, even with the language barrier. God is good....took care of us every step of the way.
It seems as though just when I gave up, lost my faith is when God stepped in. I know His timing is perfect and looking back now I know why I had to wait. If you've given up on a prayer, don't worry He knows all about it. His answer may be No, but it could also be Yes, just not right at this moment. Keep the faith and know He hears you and always wants what's best for you!
My next few post will be about my experience as a missionary in Belize, God did some wonderful things during that time and humbled me as well.....stay tuned!
Then it happened not one but two job opportunities, this must be it! The Lord is finally going to put me to work, if I'm not going to the mission field I'll at least be working (or so I thought).
First, my old company called me back, not for the same position and not for even close the money. However, I decided because I really like the person who would be my boss I would go in and talk about what he wanted to offer me. I showed up and as I walked through the company doors immediately I knew it was not where I was suppose to be. At the end of the interview/talk, I told him I couldn't take the job. I wouldn't be able to give 100% because I didn't feel like it was where the Lord wanted me. He totally understood and said a job would always be available to me.
Then a position I had dreamed about since I became a Christian. I had an interview with God's Bible School and College to work in the Academy. I had earned my bachelors in Elementary Education years before and never taught. I wanted to work for GBS and had no idea how to even go about getting on with them. This was where Montessa was going to college so it would be perfect. I could be working where she was going to college and teaching, the thing I wanted to do. I went to the job interview so excited and needless to say I left very disappointed and heart broken. I wasn't offered a position.
Once again NOTHING......Driving home I remember talking to God and at this point begging Him to show me what it was He wanted me to do with my life!!!! Ugh, frustration had completely set in.
That evening I was on IM speaking to Clara, the Wade's daughter who I met when I had visited Belize the previous March. For some reason, I asked her how their school was doing. She said, "mommy wishes the Lord would send us a teacher". I don't think I ever realized they needed a teacher. I finished my conversation with her that evening and said good-bye. I remember asking my aunt to pray that the Lord would open the door if that's where I was supposed to go. The next morning I got a phone call from a lady at my church whose husband was in Belize with the Wades at that time. She said, "David needs you to call him in Belize." I called Belize and David said, "The Wades would like to know if you would come to Belize to teach at their school?" They weren't able to pay me but they could provide an apartment and food. I said yes and asked my aunt to go with me to help, she said, "yes".
Within 2 weeks, we were packed and on our way to Belize, out of the blue going some place I completely didn't expect and with a family I barely knew. God worked everything out, the trip (a young man we met on our Israel trip, "Jaimee" picked us up from the bus station in Michigan and took us to the airport the next morning). The finances, He provided the money we needed for living expenses the entire time we were there because we didn't go under a church, we had to support ourselves. When traveling through Mexico we had no problems, even with the language barrier. God is good....took care of us every step of the way.
It seems as though just when I gave up, lost my faith is when God stepped in. I know His timing is perfect and looking back now I know why I had to wait. If you've given up on a prayer, don't worry He knows all about it. His answer may be No, but it could also be Yes, just not right at this moment. Keep the faith and know He hears you and always wants what's best for you!
My next few post will be about my experience as a missionary in Belize, God did some wonderful things during that time and humbled me as well.....stay tuned!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Kicking and Screaming!
Just like a child who throws a temper tantrum because they want a toy, candy or doesn't want to eat their vegetables, I too was good at kicking and screaming when I didn't want to listen to the Lord.
In late 2006, our little Church of New Miami decided to close its doors. Myself along with my cousin Darin's family and my Aunt Carol (who was the pastor) had felt God was leading us all to the mission field for full time ministry. We all had our homes up for sale and were planning to go together. Our hopes were to start and orphanage in Belize. We had such a tiny church only around 20 people in attendance so my aunt suggested that we all go to my uncle's church until the Lord sold our homes and we were prepared to leave for the mission field. I on the other hand had my own plans.
It wasn't necessarily that I had a problem with my uncle's church because honestly I hadn't really been there since he had taken over preaching. My issue stemmed from forgiveness I had not given for something that happened years before. I felt my uncle had taken sides in a situation, condemned me and offered no solution to the problem. To be honest, I felt like he just made it worse. Although I love him very much, there was something about him preaching to me or being my pastor that I struggled with because I hadn't let go of the hurt I felt from the issue.
My entire church decided to attend his church, that is everyone but Montessa and I. We went to a friend of mines church. I liked their church because there were not a lot of people and I thought the pastor was a really nice man. He was also a Bible believing and preaching pastor. I attended there for sometime until I started getting a feeling in my gut (I'm sure the Holy Spirit),that this was not where I was supposed to be. A couple incidents came up with regards to the youth and the youth minister and him undermining my parenting and my beliefs with Montessa. I never said anything to Montessa about thinking we needed to leave, I felt like God would have to truly show me because I didn't want to uproot her from another church.
My mom had been attending with me for some time off and on and she knew my feelings. On one particular Sunday we were sitting in service and she said, "you don't want to be here do you." I told her, "No, but didn't feel I could leave until I knew it was Gods will." After service we all got in the car to go to her house and low an behold, Montessa said, "Mom if you don't want to continue going to that church I'm fine with it." Mom looked at me and said, "well there's your answer." Montessa was completely confused she had no idea what we were talking about. I then explained to her that I felt we needed to leave the church, but I didn't want to uproot her again. Needless to say that was the last service we would attend.
The next week I had to humble myself to go to my uncle's church. For some reason that's where I felt God wanted me. It took me some time, not to forgive (because I had already forgiven), but to trust him again. The people were friendly and of course welcomed me and Montessa. My mom started going with me there also. The rest of my old church family was there as well. We had some really good services there. I met the most wonderful woman who I love dearly, Sister Burns (she has since passed away and I cried for her loss, but rejoiced knowing she is with the Lord). She was in her late 70's or early 80's, but her and I just clicked. I loved her gentle spirit and the fact that she didn't want to intentionally hurt peoples feelings, even if her beliefs were different from theirs. She helped me become a less judgmental person and I thank her for that. If I went to that church for that reason alone then it was worth it.
I threw my tantrum and made my own choice as to where I was going to go to church based on my feelings and not listening to the Lord. It took Him a while, but He got me to the place He wanted me to be at the time. I went kicking and screaming, but obedience is always better than sacrifice. I learned a lot about myself while I was there. I learned I had to let go of the past and move forward. I had to let go of the disappointment and hurt I had felt over the situation with my uncle. God helped me do all those things. I still feel like I have every right to guard my heart, I'm only human. However, guarding my heart at the cost of doing what God wanted for me, will never be right or His will. If you're guarding your heart, speak to the Lord about it, ask Him to give you strength to let go of whatever it is you're trying to protect yourself from and if He'll wrap His arms of protection around you while you're letting go. He is always faithful to help in our time of need.
In late 2006, our little Church of New Miami decided to close its doors. Myself along with my cousin Darin's family and my Aunt Carol (who was the pastor) had felt God was leading us all to the mission field for full time ministry. We all had our homes up for sale and were planning to go together. Our hopes were to start and orphanage in Belize. We had such a tiny church only around 20 people in attendance so my aunt suggested that we all go to my uncle's church until the Lord sold our homes and we were prepared to leave for the mission field. I on the other hand had my own plans.
It wasn't necessarily that I had a problem with my uncle's church because honestly I hadn't really been there since he had taken over preaching. My issue stemmed from forgiveness I had not given for something that happened years before. I felt my uncle had taken sides in a situation, condemned me and offered no solution to the problem. To be honest, I felt like he just made it worse. Although I love him very much, there was something about him preaching to me or being my pastor that I struggled with because I hadn't let go of the hurt I felt from the issue.
My entire church decided to attend his church, that is everyone but Montessa and I. We went to a friend of mines church. I liked their church because there were not a lot of people and I thought the pastor was a really nice man. He was also a Bible believing and preaching pastor. I attended there for sometime until I started getting a feeling in my gut (I'm sure the Holy Spirit),that this was not where I was supposed to be. A couple incidents came up with regards to the youth and the youth minister and him undermining my parenting and my beliefs with Montessa. I never said anything to Montessa about thinking we needed to leave, I felt like God would have to truly show me because I didn't want to uproot her from another church.
My mom had been attending with me for some time off and on and she knew my feelings. On one particular Sunday we were sitting in service and she said, "you don't want to be here do you." I told her, "No, but didn't feel I could leave until I knew it was Gods will." After service we all got in the car to go to her house and low an behold, Montessa said, "Mom if you don't want to continue going to that church I'm fine with it." Mom looked at me and said, "well there's your answer." Montessa was completely confused she had no idea what we were talking about. I then explained to her that I felt we needed to leave the church, but I didn't want to uproot her again. Needless to say that was the last service we would attend.
The next week I had to humble myself to go to my uncle's church. For some reason that's where I felt God wanted me. It took me some time, not to forgive (because I had already forgiven), but to trust him again. The people were friendly and of course welcomed me and Montessa. My mom started going with me there also. The rest of my old church family was there as well. We had some really good services there. I met the most wonderful woman who I love dearly, Sister Burns (she has since passed away and I cried for her loss, but rejoiced knowing she is with the Lord). She was in her late 70's or early 80's, but her and I just clicked. I loved her gentle spirit and the fact that she didn't want to intentionally hurt peoples feelings, even if her beliefs were different from theirs. She helped me become a less judgmental person and I thank her for that. If I went to that church for that reason alone then it was worth it.
I threw my tantrum and made my own choice as to where I was going to go to church based on my feelings and not listening to the Lord. It took Him a while, but He got me to the place He wanted me to be at the time. I went kicking and screaming, but obedience is always better than sacrifice. I learned a lot about myself while I was there. I learned I had to let go of the past and move forward. I had to let go of the disappointment and hurt I had felt over the situation with my uncle. God helped me do all those things. I still feel like I have every right to guard my heart, I'm only human. However, guarding my heart at the cost of doing what God wanted for me, will never be right or His will. If you're guarding your heart, speak to the Lord about it, ask Him to give you strength to let go of whatever it is you're trying to protect yourself from and if He'll wrap His arms of protection around you while you're letting go. He is always faithful to help in our time of need.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Moving on!
I'm sure by now you might be saying to yourself, "wow, I wouldn't want her life." Believe it or not the year wasn't all chalked up to loss and change. The Lord blessed me that year also with allowing me to travel, a lot! Traveling is one of my passions, I love exploring other places and seeing how other people live. I've traveled by myself in my younger days to California and Tennessee, it's something that doesn't scare me. If I miss my flight, I wait for the next one......there always seems to be some mystery to traveling.
In February, before Jairus went to live with his grandmother I decided we needed to go on a vacation. So Montessa, Jairus, my mother and myself all flew to Disney World and spent our time having fun and exploring the area. Jairus had so much fun and I'm not sure Disney World is a place he'll get to visit anytime soon so I was happy to share the experience with him.
In March, I went to Belize. My Aunt, cousin Darin and I flew down and met some other friends who had driven there. We spent 8 days meeting people and exploring the entire country. Some of our time was on a converted school bus. We would sing, talk, sleep, and just have fun driving along the main highway. It almost felt like a time of refreshing for me. Some time I needed to just be away and it really helped. In the meantime, the Lord used the trip for bigger plans for my life down the road.
In June, over the anniversary of Jeff's death, Montessa, Jeff's sister Aleta (she was the only one speaking to us at the time)and I went on a Christian bus tour to New York City. We were on a bus with about 45 other people, the tour guides on the bus were from a local Christian radio station. It was such an enjoyable trip. We met some wonderful people and it helped all of us to be away during that time. It was my first time to visit New York and I have to say as wonderful as the Statue of Liberty, ground zero, Beauty and The Beast on Broadway and Time Square were, the highlight of the trip was truly the Sunday service at The Brooklyn Tabernacle. I would suggest to anyone who visits New York to go to that church and experience worship with those people.
In November, my aunt and myself decided to visit some missionaries we knew in South Dakota. Since I was out of work and she didn't have a job it was great timing. So we rented a car and drove to Colorado Springs and then on to South Dakota. It was a very stressful trip since I was the only one driving and I ended up sick, but we still enjoyed seeing all the sites of those states.
When I think of 2007 I have very good thoughts and some that are a little sad. A lot happened but each thing was one more thing to draw me closer to God. One more thing to further His plans for my life. I remind myself that people every day go through horrible tragedies and difficult times just like myself. I have someone to go to and I hope if your faith is in Jesus Christ you have someone to go to as well, the world just has to rely upon themselves and their own strength.
One of my favorite things to say in times of despair is "Move On". I can't change the past and I have no control over the future. This life is not mine, so the best thing to do is just keep moving on and trust the Lord for my strength to do so.
I love the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", it totally speaks to me and what we need to do. I have attached the link below if you want to listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo
In February, before Jairus went to live with his grandmother I decided we needed to go on a vacation. So Montessa, Jairus, my mother and myself all flew to Disney World and spent our time having fun and exploring the area. Jairus had so much fun and I'm not sure Disney World is a place he'll get to visit anytime soon so I was happy to share the experience with him.
In March, I went to Belize. My Aunt, cousin Darin and I flew down and met some other friends who had driven there. We spent 8 days meeting people and exploring the entire country. Some of our time was on a converted school bus. We would sing, talk, sleep, and just have fun driving along the main highway. It almost felt like a time of refreshing for me. Some time I needed to just be away and it really helped. In the meantime, the Lord used the trip for bigger plans for my life down the road.
In June, over the anniversary of Jeff's death, Montessa, Jeff's sister Aleta (she was the only one speaking to us at the time)and I went on a Christian bus tour to New York City. We were on a bus with about 45 other people, the tour guides on the bus were from a local Christian radio station. It was such an enjoyable trip. We met some wonderful people and it helped all of us to be away during that time. It was my first time to visit New York and I have to say as wonderful as the Statue of Liberty, ground zero, Beauty and The Beast on Broadway and Time Square were, the highlight of the trip was truly the Sunday service at The Brooklyn Tabernacle. I would suggest to anyone who visits New York to go to that church and experience worship with those people.
In November, my aunt and myself decided to visit some missionaries we knew in South Dakota. Since I was out of work and she didn't have a job it was great timing. So we rented a car and drove to Colorado Springs and then on to South Dakota. It was a very stressful trip since I was the only one driving and I ended up sick, but we still enjoyed seeing all the sites of those states.
When I think of 2007 I have very good thoughts and some that are a little sad. A lot happened but each thing was one more thing to draw me closer to God. One more thing to further His plans for my life. I remind myself that people every day go through horrible tragedies and difficult times just like myself. I have someone to go to and I hope if your faith is in Jesus Christ you have someone to go to as well, the world just has to rely upon themselves and their own strength.
One of my favorite things to say in times of despair is "Move On". I can't change the past and I have no control over the future. This life is not mine, so the best thing to do is just keep moving on and trust the Lord for my strength to do so.
I love the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On", it totally speaks to me and what we need to do. I have attached the link below if you want to listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The losses continue........they will end soon though!
I've returned to the past, I was able to climb into my time machine and quickly hop back. The year 2006 was pretty much not a good year all around. Come New Years Eve 2007 I thought maybe things would start looking up and they appeared to be. Montessa gave her life to Christ on January 7, 2007. I had pulled her out of Lakota Schools and enrolled her in an online school in order for her to complete her final courses and graduate early from high school. The goal was we would be heading to the mission field and I didn't want her to have to worry about school work. She said not being in public school and helped while she was trying to live for Christ.
I had put my house up for sale in September of 2006 and tons of people came through but never any takers. I was so sure the Lord wanted me to go to the mission field, but I could not go until both of my properties were sold, 4 vehicles, a house full of furniture and anything that was not going to be needed. Over time the vehicles sold and paid off, I had a wonderful friend of Jeff's helping me take care them.
In March, another big loss, Jairus our foster son who had been with us for almost two years went to live with his grandmother permanently. The dream of adopting him was no longer, I'm grateful however that the Lord still allows me to see and speak to him when he is in town. Montessa and I both took it very hard. He was one more part of our family to leave.
Montessa graduated in July a year early from school. She was enjoying her summer and had a fun graduation party where lots of our friends and family attended. Jeff's friends were so wonderful to her. Always there to encourage her along the way.
With still no guidance from the Lord regarding Belize and no bites on my house in August I lost my job! I would say that devastated me but really it was a God send even though it was a little unexpected. I was sure another job would be easy enough to find. By now I was down to 1 home, 1 child, 1 vehicle and slowly but surely an empty house with little furnishings.
I was so unsure as to why my home hadn't sold, I had prayed and prayed. I know everything is in God's timing, but come on Lord I don't have a job now. I had some people over my house one Saturday afternoon, helping my cousin and his family move in with us for a short time since they had sold their house as well. We decided to have a circle prayer right in the middle of my garage for my home to sell. This is how big God is.....Within minutes not even an hour, He sent my realtor to tell me a pastor, who had previously viewed it wanted to purchase it, for what I was asking! I didn't even have to bargain on my price, which I had never lowered for the entire year it was on the market. He paid cash for it, didn't require me to fix anything from the inspection and I never had to make another house payment after I lost my job. By early October, I had sold my home, all the furnishing in it and moved out.
I was gainfully unemployed, semi-homeless (none to call my own), Montessa and I moved into my moms house and stayed in an 8x8 bedroom together, my foster son was back with his family and I had no idea what I was supposed to do......so guess what I did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING......I tried searching for a job and no luck, I have never been out of a job for longer than 3 weeks, but nothing, even jobs I was well qualified for or under-qualified. My aunt (who also lived with my mom at the time) and I decided to do something instead of sit at home all day so we started working in the soup kitchen at the Salvation Army a couple days a week serving. It was funny, some of the people thought we were working there because we had gotten into trouble and were doing community service. I didn't mind, it was something to do and I felt like we were making a little bit of difference with our spare time.
Then my daughter dropped a bomb, she said, "well mom since it doesn't look like we are going to Belize, I'd like to start college in January." So I moved her to God's Bible School in January of 2008......I was devastated. Although she may never have noticed it was so hard to see her leave even though it was only 40 minutes away. I was now truly all alone! I know I was totally being selfish at that time, I was happy for her to want to go to school, but sad that I had lost something else so precious to me.
God was working in her life and in reality mine too......He had began preparing me in 2005 for the many things I would lose or give up for Him. I would be lying if I said any of it was easy because it wasn't. The majority of it was very painful, but God was always faithful to show me He was still in control. With every answered prayer He was saying, "just be patient, I have something wonderful planned for you, but in my time not yours."
If your going thru a time of loss or a time of uncertainty about what's ahead in the future, remember He has a plan. Let Him work it out in your life and it will be great! While doing so remember and live by the advice in this scripture and it will make it a little easier to wait......Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4 (This is my favorite Bible verse)
I had put my house up for sale in September of 2006 and tons of people came through but never any takers. I was so sure the Lord wanted me to go to the mission field, but I could not go until both of my properties were sold, 4 vehicles, a house full of furniture and anything that was not going to be needed. Over time the vehicles sold and paid off, I had a wonderful friend of Jeff's helping me take care them.
In March, another big loss, Jairus our foster son who had been with us for almost two years went to live with his grandmother permanently. The dream of adopting him was no longer, I'm grateful however that the Lord still allows me to see and speak to him when he is in town. Montessa and I both took it very hard. He was one more part of our family to leave.
Montessa graduated in July a year early from school. She was enjoying her summer and had a fun graduation party where lots of our friends and family attended. Jeff's friends were so wonderful to her. Always there to encourage her along the way.
With still no guidance from the Lord regarding Belize and no bites on my house in August I lost my job! I would say that devastated me but really it was a God send even though it was a little unexpected. I was sure another job would be easy enough to find. By now I was down to 1 home, 1 child, 1 vehicle and slowly but surely an empty house with little furnishings.
I was so unsure as to why my home hadn't sold, I had prayed and prayed. I know everything is in God's timing, but come on Lord I don't have a job now. I had some people over my house one Saturday afternoon, helping my cousin and his family move in with us for a short time since they had sold their house as well. We decided to have a circle prayer right in the middle of my garage for my home to sell. This is how big God is.....Within minutes not even an hour, He sent my realtor to tell me a pastor, who had previously viewed it wanted to purchase it, for what I was asking! I didn't even have to bargain on my price, which I had never lowered for the entire year it was on the market. He paid cash for it, didn't require me to fix anything from the inspection and I never had to make another house payment after I lost my job. By early October, I had sold my home, all the furnishing in it and moved out.
I was gainfully unemployed, semi-homeless (none to call my own), Montessa and I moved into my moms house and stayed in an 8x8 bedroom together, my foster son was back with his family and I had no idea what I was supposed to do......so guess what I did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING......I tried searching for a job and no luck, I have never been out of a job for longer than 3 weeks, but nothing, even jobs I was well qualified for or under-qualified. My aunt (who also lived with my mom at the time) and I decided to do something instead of sit at home all day so we started working in the soup kitchen at the Salvation Army a couple days a week serving. It was funny, some of the people thought we were working there because we had gotten into trouble and were doing community service. I didn't mind, it was something to do and I felt like we were making a little bit of difference with our spare time.
Then my daughter dropped a bomb, she said, "well mom since it doesn't look like we are going to Belize, I'd like to start college in January." So I moved her to God's Bible School in January of 2008......I was devastated. Although she may never have noticed it was so hard to see her leave even though it was only 40 minutes away. I was now truly all alone! I know I was totally being selfish at that time, I was happy for her to want to go to school, but sad that I had lost something else so precious to me.
God was working in her life and in reality mine too......He had began preparing me in 2005 for the many things I would lose or give up for Him. I would be lying if I said any of it was easy because it wasn't. The majority of it was very painful, but God was always faithful to show me He was still in control. With every answered prayer He was saying, "just be patient, I have something wonderful planned for you, but in my time not yours."
If your going thru a time of loss or a time of uncertainty about what's ahead in the future, remember He has a plan. Let Him work it out in your life and it will be great! While doing so remember and live by the advice in this scripture and it will make it a little easier to wait......Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4 (This is my favorite Bible verse)
Monday, August 2, 2010
An intermission to thank the Lord for an answered prayer!
I'm going to take a short intermission from telling my past story. I have had it laid on my heart for a few weeks that I need to share how good God is and what He has done recently!
Have you ever felt like the Lord has spoken to you and told you to do something, but you're just not sure it was the Lord. It's happened to me more than once through out my Christianity and I learned pretty quickly to test Him. According to 1 John 4:1 "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world."
I was beginning to feel like maybe I wasn't suppose to be writing this blog. Maybe I was writing it for the wrong reasons. My full intention in starting it was for God to get the glory from a life He has changed. Not only did He change me, but He has never failed me (most people will say yet after that statement)......I choose not to because He will NEVER fail me. Whatever comes my way in my life it will be of God's doing, so how can I count any of it as a failure. Somehow Satan got into my head and started telling me I shouldn't be writing this, it's not doing any good and no one is even reading it.
A couple of weeks ago maybe after about my seventh post, I prayed one evening. I wanted to know if I should continue writing or stop, I needed to know I was doing God's will. It's not in my best interest to write this blog because lets face it not all of this is easy to tell. It's difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable and tell all my private business. I'm sure some people might even disagree with me for doing it. In my prayer I asked the Lord to show me that I was doing what He wanted me to do and doing it for the right reasons. Not to be boasting about myself or anything great I have done, I told no one about my prayer or my concern.
God is so kind and faithful He answered my prayer that evening before I went to sleep. My daughter made a comment on my blog that confirmed she was okay with what I was writing. In my head I said, "Great thanks Lord, but she's my daughter and she would love me know matter what and support whatever I did." Although I was very grateful for the comment, God knew this alone would not help me to know 100% this was what He wanted me to do.
The next morning I went for my normal walk with my friend Beth, after I dropped her off I was in McDonald's drive thru purchasing my favorite drink, "iced mocha" and I happened to open my Facebook account on my phone. Within my account was a message, a very detailed message by one of my FB friends. I have asked her permission to post it below, however for her anonymity I'm leaving her name out, I would rather share her message than her name, it's amazing =)
"Hey there! Your blogs have touched me, so thank you for sharing! I too was raised in a Christian home, all of my life, but am not living my life the way that I should. Not proud of how my life has turned out. Depression has ruined me and my family, but I don't want to use excuses anymore for the way my life is. I want to change it! I want God to change it! I know that He can and will pray that He will! God uses people to wake us up and I'm truly thankful for it! I'm sick of excuses and I'm sick of letting Satan walk all over me an my family! I am not where I need to be in life and am asking you to pray with me that I will let God be in control from here on out! I need help! I need praying friends! I need you and I know that God has lead me to your blogs for a reason! Thank you so much for sharing! :-)"
Right there in McDonald's parking lot I started crying like a little child......and you have already been told it takes a lot for me to cry. I was so emotional for two reasons, first, every doubt I had, God confirmed I was doing exactly what He wanted me to be doing. Secondly, for this friend and her situation and desire to be following Christ. (Someone who I haven't seen in over 20 years and have only spoken on FB once and not about Christianity). God is so amazing, He used someone in my life and in her life to show that He can be everywhere at once and answer both of our prayers. She has since re-dedicated her life to Christ. I see this happy person now with great uplifting post on her FB statuses and giving Christ all the glory. If the angels in Heaven rejoice over one who turns to Christ why shouldn't we!!!!!
Since then the Lord continues to confirm my fears by sending others my way with comments of wanting a changed life, a life lived for Him. My blog is helping and that's all that matters......extending a loving hand with an open heart to expand the Kingdom of God, regardless of what we have to do to accomplish it!!
Is there a ministry God wants you to do, maybe it's not the Vacation Bible School or a ministry your church has. Maybe He wants you to step out in faith and do something on your own, just you and Jesus working together. I have found just living a life and telling your story is enough to show others how BIG God is. I'm not unusual, people all over the world have much better stories than I, they need to be told......so go tell your story to someone and let God work in your life and theres!
"And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15
Have you ever felt like the Lord has spoken to you and told you to do something, but you're just not sure it was the Lord. It's happened to me more than once through out my Christianity and I learned pretty quickly to test Him. According to 1 John 4:1 "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world."
I was beginning to feel like maybe I wasn't suppose to be writing this blog. Maybe I was writing it for the wrong reasons. My full intention in starting it was for God to get the glory from a life He has changed. Not only did He change me, but He has never failed me (most people will say yet after that statement)......I choose not to because He will NEVER fail me. Whatever comes my way in my life it will be of God's doing, so how can I count any of it as a failure. Somehow Satan got into my head and started telling me I shouldn't be writing this, it's not doing any good and no one is even reading it.
A couple of weeks ago maybe after about my seventh post, I prayed one evening. I wanted to know if I should continue writing or stop, I needed to know I was doing God's will. It's not in my best interest to write this blog because lets face it not all of this is easy to tell. It's difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable and tell all my private business. I'm sure some people might even disagree with me for doing it. In my prayer I asked the Lord to show me that I was doing what He wanted me to do and doing it for the right reasons. Not to be boasting about myself or anything great I have done, I told no one about my prayer or my concern.
God is so kind and faithful He answered my prayer that evening before I went to sleep. My daughter made a comment on my blog that confirmed she was okay with what I was writing. In my head I said, "Great thanks Lord, but she's my daughter and she would love me know matter what and support whatever I did." Although I was very grateful for the comment, God knew this alone would not help me to know 100% this was what He wanted me to do.
The next morning I went for my normal walk with my friend Beth, after I dropped her off I was in McDonald's drive thru purchasing my favorite drink, "iced mocha" and I happened to open my Facebook account on my phone. Within my account was a message, a very detailed message by one of my FB friends. I have asked her permission to post it below, however for her anonymity I'm leaving her name out, I would rather share her message than her name, it's amazing =)
"Hey there! Your blogs have touched me, so thank you for sharing! I too was raised in a Christian home, all of my life, but am not living my life the way that I should. Not proud of how my life has turned out. Depression has ruined me and my family, but I don't want to use excuses anymore for the way my life is. I want to change it! I want God to change it! I know that He can and will pray that He will! God uses people to wake us up and I'm truly thankful for it! I'm sick of excuses and I'm sick of letting Satan walk all over me an my family! I am not where I need to be in life and am asking you to pray with me that I will let God be in control from here on out! I need help! I need praying friends! I need you and I know that God has lead me to your blogs for a reason! Thank you so much for sharing! :-)"
Right there in McDonald's parking lot I started crying like a little child......and you have already been told it takes a lot for me to cry. I was so emotional for two reasons, first, every doubt I had, God confirmed I was doing exactly what He wanted me to be doing. Secondly, for this friend and her situation and desire to be following Christ. (Someone who I haven't seen in over 20 years and have only spoken on FB once and not about Christianity). God is so amazing, He used someone in my life and in her life to show that He can be everywhere at once and answer both of our prayers. She has since re-dedicated her life to Christ. I see this happy person now with great uplifting post on her FB statuses and giving Christ all the glory. If the angels in Heaven rejoice over one who turns to Christ why shouldn't we!!!!!
Since then the Lord continues to confirm my fears by sending others my way with comments of wanting a changed life, a life lived for Him. My blog is helping and that's all that matters......extending a loving hand with an open heart to expand the Kingdom of God, regardless of what we have to do to accomplish it!!
Is there a ministry God wants you to do, maybe it's not the Vacation Bible School or a ministry your church has. Maybe He wants you to step out in faith and do something on your own, just you and Jesus working together. I have found just living a life and telling your story is enough to show others how BIG God is. I'm not unusual, people all over the world have much better stories than I, they need to be told......so go tell your story to someone and let God work in your life and theres!
"And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Walk a mile
Have you ever thought someone wasn't behaving the way you thought they should about a situation? Were they not showing enough emotions? Think of someone you have given a gift to, did they smile and appear to enjoy the gift or were they ungrateful on the outside? Did it make you sad if they didn't appear happy about receiving your gift? The thing is, not everyone acts the same when some thing happens. We are all individuals and every response can be different.
Right after Jeff's death his family stayed in contact with Montessa and I. They seemed to be very supportive. I tried to do everything I knew how to ease their pain. I gave them most everything of his. I also had his clothes cut up and made into quilts for his niece and nephew (who he adored). They, just like I were searching for answers to the why questions, unfortunately the answers they wanted weren't there and someone needed to take the blame. Honestly, I guess I can't blame them for blaming me, I blamed myself for a long time.
They felt like I wasn't grieving properly, I guess I didn't cry as much as I should have. What's interesting to me is nobody truly knows anyone during a time such as that. Who is anyone to judge how someone else is grieving. For one, I'm not too much of an emotional person anyway. My uncle teased me once and said, "someone would have to twist my arm and poke me in the eye before I would cry." Although that is a total exaggeration, it takes a lot for me to cry in front of others. Secondly, walk a mile in my shoes or anyones shoes for that matter. People are different, that's how God created us.
I remember the family helped us celebrate Montessa's birthday and we even celebrated Jeff's birthday in October. I told his mother about me wanting to go to the mission field and she seemed happy for me. By the time Christmas rolled around however, they no longer wanted anything to do with us or maybe just me, unfortunately Montesssa got put in the middle and lost another family. His death became my fault for them and there was no words I could say or anything I could do to change it.
I was told how strong I was and how people just couldn't believe how well I was taking the loss of Jeff. I think some people would have truly only accepted the fact that I was devastated by my loss if I would have crawled into bed and not left for months. My strength was surely not my own, there were days that's exactly what I wanted to do, but life has to go on. I had children relying on me and God. What kind of glory would He have gotten had I just given up. Even with the persecutions by family and friends, some of which were directly related to my relationship with Christ. He tells us to rejoice when we are being persecuted for his sake. I'm not sure how much rejoicing I did, but it did seem to make me stronger and my relationship with Christ stronger.
For about a year, I went through one trial after another surrounding Jeff's death with people. I felt like I was in a pit I couldn't crawl out of. Nothing I said or did helped. I had to just keep telling myself things would eventually turn around. To this day I still don't have any contact with his family, per their wishes. His father passed away recently and I remember being so upset and crying because I didn't know how to handle the situation. God gave me wisdom and helped me through that situation as well.
Through all the persecutions and accusations I continued to rely on God. He was my strength and helped me. To this day I have no hard or bitter feelings towards anyone, honestly. I don't have it in me and if I can't forgive, Jesus won't forgive me. If there are people in your life that maybe hasn't handled a situation they way you thought they should.......my suggestion is to not judge them, pray for them and forgive them. Remember, one day you might have to walk the same mile they are walking today, how would you handle it.
I found this quote today and I thought it spoke perfectly, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."
Right after Jeff's death his family stayed in contact with Montessa and I. They seemed to be very supportive. I tried to do everything I knew how to ease their pain. I gave them most everything of his. I also had his clothes cut up and made into quilts for his niece and nephew (who he adored). They, just like I were searching for answers to the why questions, unfortunately the answers they wanted weren't there and someone needed to take the blame. Honestly, I guess I can't blame them for blaming me, I blamed myself for a long time.
They felt like I wasn't grieving properly, I guess I didn't cry as much as I should have. What's interesting to me is nobody truly knows anyone during a time such as that. Who is anyone to judge how someone else is grieving. For one, I'm not too much of an emotional person anyway. My uncle teased me once and said, "someone would have to twist my arm and poke me in the eye before I would cry." Although that is a total exaggeration, it takes a lot for me to cry in front of others. Secondly, walk a mile in my shoes or anyones shoes for that matter. People are different, that's how God created us.
I remember the family helped us celebrate Montessa's birthday and we even celebrated Jeff's birthday in October. I told his mother about me wanting to go to the mission field and she seemed happy for me. By the time Christmas rolled around however, they no longer wanted anything to do with us or maybe just me, unfortunately Montesssa got put in the middle and lost another family. His death became my fault for them and there was no words I could say or anything I could do to change it.
I was told how strong I was and how people just couldn't believe how well I was taking the loss of Jeff. I think some people would have truly only accepted the fact that I was devastated by my loss if I would have crawled into bed and not left for months. My strength was surely not my own, there were days that's exactly what I wanted to do, but life has to go on. I had children relying on me and God. What kind of glory would He have gotten had I just given up. Even with the persecutions by family and friends, some of which were directly related to my relationship with Christ. He tells us to rejoice when we are being persecuted for his sake. I'm not sure how much rejoicing I did, but it did seem to make me stronger and my relationship with Christ stronger.
For about a year, I went through one trial after another surrounding Jeff's death with people. I felt like I was in a pit I couldn't crawl out of. Nothing I said or did helped. I had to just keep telling myself things would eventually turn around. To this day I still don't have any contact with his family, per their wishes. His father passed away recently and I remember being so upset and crying because I didn't know how to handle the situation. God gave me wisdom and helped me through that situation as well.
Through all the persecutions and accusations I continued to rely on God. He was my strength and helped me. To this day I have no hard or bitter feelings towards anyone, honestly. I don't have it in me and if I can't forgive, Jesus won't forgive me. If there are people in your life that maybe hasn't handled a situation they way you thought they should.......my suggestion is to not judge them, pray for them and forgive them. Remember, one day you might have to walk the same mile they are walking today, how would you handle it.
I found this quote today and I thought it spoke perfectly, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."
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