Walk a mile

Have you ever thought someone wasn't behaving the way you thought they should about a situation? Were they not showing enough emotions? Think of someone you have given a gift to, did they smile and appear to enjoy the gift or were they ungrateful on the outside? Did it make you sad if they didn't appear happy about receiving your gift? The thing is, not everyone acts the same when some thing happens. We are all individuals and every response can be different.

Right after Jeff's death his family stayed in contact with Montessa and I. They seemed to be very supportive. I tried to do everything I knew how to ease their pain. I gave them most everything of his. I also had his clothes cut up and made into quilts for his niece and nephew (who he adored). They, just like I were searching for answers to the why questions, unfortunately the answers they wanted weren't there and someone needed to take the blame. Honestly, I guess I can't blame them for blaming me, I blamed myself for a long time.

They felt like I wasn't grieving properly, I guess I didn't cry as much as I should have. What's interesting to me is nobody truly knows anyone during a time such as that. Who is anyone to judge how someone else is grieving. For one, I'm not too much of an emotional person anyway. My uncle teased me once and said, "someone would have to twist my arm and poke me in the eye before I would cry." Although that is a total exaggeration, it takes a lot for me to cry in front of others. Secondly, walk a mile in my shoes or anyones shoes for that matter. People are different, that's how God created us.

I remember the family helped us celebrate Montessa's birthday and we even celebrated Jeff's birthday in October. I told his mother about me wanting to go to the mission field and she seemed happy for me. By the time Christmas rolled around however, they no longer wanted anything to do with us or maybe just me, unfortunately Montesssa got put in the middle and lost another family. His death became my fault for them and there was no words I could say or anything I could do to change it.

I was told how strong I was and how people just couldn't believe how well I was taking the loss of Jeff. I think some people would have truly only accepted the fact that I was devastated by my loss if I would have crawled into bed and not left for months. My strength was surely not my own, there were days that's exactly what I wanted to do, but life has to go on. I had children relying on me and God. What kind of glory would He have gotten had I just given up. Even with the persecutions by family and friends, some of which were directly related to my relationship with Christ. He tells us to rejoice when we are being persecuted for his sake. I'm not sure how much rejoicing I did, but it did seem to make me stronger and my relationship with Christ stronger.

For about a year, I went through one trial after another surrounding Jeff's death with people. I felt like I was in a pit I couldn't crawl out of. Nothing I said or did helped. I had to just keep telling myself things would eventually turn around. To this day I still don't have any contact with his family, per their wishes. His father passed away recently and I remember being so upset and crying because I didn't know how to handle the situation. God gave me wisdom and helped me through that situation as well.

Through all the persecutions and accusations I continued to rely on God. He was my strength and helped me. To this day I have no hard or bitter feelings towards anyone, honestly. I don't have it in me and if I can't forgive, Jesus won't forgive me. If there are people in your life that maybe hasn't handled a situation they way you thought they should.......my suggestion is to not judge them, pray for them and forgive them. Remember, one day you might have to walk the same mile they are walking today, how would you handle it.

I found this quote today and I thought it spoke perfectly, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."