Kicking and Screaming!

Just like a child who throws a temper tantrum because they want a toy, candy or doesn't want to eat their vegetables, I too was good at kicking and screaming when I didn't want to listen to the Lord.

In late 2006, our little Church of New Miami decided to close its doors. Myself along with my cousin Darin's family and my Aunt Carol (who was the pastor) had felt God was leading us all to the mission field for full time ministry. We all had our homes up for sale and were planning to go together. Our hopes were to start and orphanage in Belize. We had such a tiny church only around 20 people in attendance so my aunt suggested that we all go to my uncle's church until the Lord sold our homes and we were prepared to leave for the mission field. I on the other hand had my own plans.

It wasn't necessarily that I had a problem with my uncle's church because honestly I hadn't really been there since he had taken over preaching. My issue stemmed from forgiveness I had not given for something that happened years before. I felt my uncle had taken sides in a situation, condemned me and offered no solution to the problem. To be honest, I felt like he just made it worse. Although I love him very much, there was something about him preaching to me or being my pastor that I struggled with because I hadn't let go of the hurt I felt from the issue.

My entire church decided to attend his church, that is everyone but Montessa and I. We went to a friend of mines church. I liked their church because there were not a lot of people and I thought the pastor was a really nice man. He was also a Bible believing and preaching pastor. I attended there for sometime until I started getting a feeling in my gut (I'm sure the Holy Spirit),that this was not where I was supposed to be. A couple incidents came up with regards to the youth and the youth minister and him undermining my parenting and my beliefs with Montessa. I never said anything to Montessa about thinking we needed to leave, I felt like God would have to truly show me because I didn't want to uproot her from another church.

My mom had been attending with me for some time off and on and she knew my feelings. On one particular Sunday we were sitting in service and she said, "you don't want to be here do you." I told her, "No, but didn't feel I could leave until I knew it was Gods will." After service we all got in the car to go to her house and low an behold, Montessa said, "Mom if you don't want to continue going to that church I'm fine with it." Mom looked at me and said, "well there's your answer." Montessa was completely confused she had no idea what we were talking about. I then explained to her that I felt we needed to leave the church, but I didn't want to uproot her again. Needless to say that was the last service we would attend.

The next week I had to humble myself to go to my uncle's church. For some reason that's where I felt God wanted me. It took me some time, not to forgive (because I had already forgiven), but to trust him again. The people were friendly and of course welcomed me and Montessa. My mom started going with me there also. The rest of my old church family was there as well. We had some really good services there. I met the most wonderful woman who I love dearly, Sister Burns (she has since passed away and I cried for her loss, but rejoiced knowing she is with the Lord). She was in her late 70's or early 80's, but her and I just clicked. I loved her gentle spirit and the fact that she didn't want to intentionally hurt peoples feelings, even if her beliefs were different from theirs. She helped me become a less judgmental person and I thank her for that. If I went to that church for that reason alone then it was worth it.

I threw my tantrum and made my own choice as to where I was going to go to church based on my feelings and not listening to the Lord. It took Him a while, but He got me to the place He wanted me to be at the time. I went kicking and screaming, but obedience is always better than sacrifice. I learned a lot about myself while I was there. I learned I had to let go of the past and move forward. I had to let go of the disappointment and hurt I had felt over the situation with my uncle. God helped me do all those things. I still feel like I have every right to guard my heart, I'm only human. However, guarding my heart at the cost of doing what God wanted for me, will never be right or His will. If you're guarding your heart, speak to the Lord about it, ask Him to give you strength to let go of whatever it is you're trying to protect yourself from and if He'll wrap His arms of protection around you while you're letting go. He is always faithful to help in our time of need.